LOUISIANA – BP officials have formally declared an end to the outpouring of negative press seen since an explosion on the Deepwater Horizon rig in April. The incident saw an unstoppable stream of dangerously hazardous media coverage leak into newspapers, television and all over the internet, causing untold damage to the company’s public image.
Attempts to plug the stories started when news channels became distracted with Lindsay Lohan violating probation, while additional relief came when Paris Hilton was found to be in possession of cocaine. The leak was finally stopped last week when all anyone wanted to talk about was Lady Gaga’s meat dress, allowing the population to successfully forget there was ever oil in the Gulf.
Tests conducted early Sunday confirmed an end to any coverage on the inevitable long term damage to the Gulf Coast. “The reports on the oil spill are now effectively dead,” said BP’s point man on the PR disaster. “We’ve been tracking BBC, MSNBC and Fox and thankfully no one’s covering it. I’ve heard CNN may run a special reports, but no one watches CNN anyway.“
Outgoing chief Tony Hayward – criticised for suggesting all TV’s simply ‘be switched off’ to stem the flow of bad news – was pleased a permanent solution was found, but warned it could take a while until the stock price fully recovers.
Barack Obama hailed the news, declaring the crisis over and vowing to never mention the oil spill in the hopes that people would ‘just forget it happened’. In a statement, he thanked all those who had “worked around the clock to dig up meaningless stories about Hollywood celebrities to ensure the Gulf news stories stopped leaking forever.”
The president also expressed hope that attention could now turn to capping the leak of stories about him being a Muslim.