Posted on 22 September 2010
LOUISIANA – BP officials have formally declared an end to the outpouring of negative press seen since an explosion on the Deepwater Horizon rig in April. The incident saw an unstoppable stream of dangerously hazardous media coverage leak into newspapers, television and all over the internet, causing untold damage to the company’s public image.
Attempts to plug the stories started when news channels became distracted with Lindsay Lohan violating probation, while additional relief came when Paris Hilton was found to be in possession of cocaine. The leak was finally stopped last week when all anyone wanted to talk about was Lady Gaga’s meat dress, allowing the population to successfully forget there was ever oil in the Gulf.
Tests conducted early Sunday confirmed an end to any coverage on the inevitable long term damage to the Gulf Coast. “The reports on the oil spill are now effectively dead,” said BP’s point man on the PR disaster. “We’ve been tracking BBC, MSNBC and Fox and thankfully no one’s covering it. I’ve heard CNN may run a special reports, but no one watches CNN anyway.“
Outgoing chief Tony Hayward – criticised for suggesting all TV’s simply ‘be switched off’ to stem the flow of bad news – was pleased a permanent solution was found, but warned it could take a while until the stock price fully recovers.
Barack Obama hailed the news, declaring the crisis over and vowing to never mention the oil spill in the hopes that people would ‘just forget it happened’. In a statement, he thanked all those who had “worked around the clock to dig up meaningless stories about Hollywood celebrities to ensure the Gulf news stories stopped leaking forever.”
The president also expressed hope that attention could now turn to capping the leak of stories about him being a Muslim.
Posted on 02 August 2010
LONDON, UK – Embattled BP Chief Tony Hayward has been forced to deny new allegations his company was responsible for the death of Micheal Jackson. After seven doctors were cleared of any involvement in the star’s tragic death, suspicion has naturally turned to the oil company who have been blamed for everything from the Gulf of Mexico spill and the Lockerbie bombing, to 9\11 and the rising cost of stamps. Mr Hayward however, stresses that this one had nothing to do with him or his company. “This is preposterous! I bought the Thriller album…I was at his Dangerous concert for Christ sake. I coul never hurt Micheal.”
With rumors of foul play persistent, Jackson’s personal doctor Conrad Murray, who had denied involuntary manslaughter, says that the spotlight must now turn to the BP chief. “We know BP have oil on their hands.” said Murray. “Maybe there’s blood too? Let’s check under those nails is all I’m saying.”
The Jackson family have backed calls for an ‘open and trasparent’ investigation into BP, except for father Joe Jackson who said time and effort was better spent exploiting his son’s name for royalties.
Tony Hayward, who has been unable to provide a credible alibi for June 25th 2009, is facing increasing pressure to appear at a Senate Committee of Micheal Jackson fans to determine whether BP lobbied doctors to administer a lethal overdose of anaesthetic leading up to his death. Senator Robert Menendez also wanted Hayward to explain financial records showing a history of Prince album purchases by the so called Micheal Jackson fan. Menendez said the contradictory evidence ‘casts serious doubt on BP’s claims of innocence.’
Meanwhile, investigators are still looking into the possibility BP were responsible for other high profile incidents including the leak of secret Afghan war documents and the death of disco.
Posted on 18 July 2010
HOLLYWOOD, CA – PR experts have finally managed to stop the flow of obscenities, spite and racial outbursts flowing from the leak in Mel Gibson’s mouth using an innovative new cap system. This is the first time the spill has stopped since an explosion in 2006 resulted in the star’s verbal attack on Jews. “It’s been a four year battle against the filth spilling uncontrollably from Mel onto our media, we’re glad we’ve managed to stem the flow for now” said a relieved Martin Eisenstadt who also helped will other major PR disasters such as the spillage of nonsensical ramblings from Sarah Palin throughout the 2008 election campaign.
President Barack Obama however, warned against over-optimism, reiterating that much work remained to be done. “It is important we don’t get ahead of ourselves” he said. ”There’s still a lot of hate inside Mel and we will need to deal with that somehow.”
E! Entertainment figures show an estimated four million obscenities have leaked so far, affecting hundreds of thousands of minorities across America with Gibson’s finances suffering as women, African-Americans and Jewish people all avoid his films.
Many Hollywood insiders raised fears the cap – designed to fit tightly over Gibson’s mouth – would put ‘enormous pressure’ on him and cause an even greater spill of racial slurs to pour out, most likely over the state of Israel. “Mel hasn’t offended anyone in two days so things are looking good” added Eisenstadt, who stressed that this does not necessarily mean the flow of racial epithets would stop permanently and Mel could erupt at any time and ‘really let some ethnic guy have it’.
Mr Eisenstadt believes that should the cap system fail to contain the outpouring of hate filled words they would move to the next phase and just surgically staple Mel Gibson’s mouth shut.
Posted on 01 July 2010
NEW YORK, NY – Nickelodeon have been forced to cancel ‘mega hit’ TV show SpongeBob Squarepants after it’s star was found dead in his pineapple home under the sea off the Gulf Coast. The show, both a critical and commercial success, propelled SpongeBob to one of the most successful merchandising forces and the highest earning sponge in non TV revenues alone. He is survived by Gary the sea snail.
“He led the way in children’s entertainment…I can’t believe he’s gone…there will never be another as absorbent and yellow and porous as he” said David Bittler, a Nickelodeon spokesman, at the star’s wake on the Crusty Crab set. The ceremony was attended by children’s TV A-listers such as 25 year old Tommy and Chukie of Rugrats fame, and Elmo. “No more SpongeBob? Elmo sad” confessed the Sesame Street mogul.
Although cause of death cannot be confirmed before a full autopsy, crime scene investigators believe SpongeBob died from acute oil poisoning. This theory is sure to bring more public anger toward oil giant BP, responsible for the unstoppable flow of crude oil into the sea above the star’s home.
Tony Hayward has been quick to play down links between his company and the sponge’s death. “We can’t jump to conclusions, it might not be the oil. Let’s wait for the autopsy” he pleaded to fans protesting outside his office. The BP chief has received up to 6,000 death threats from children aged 5-13.
Patrick Star led tributes to the joyful sponge who was taken “before his time”. However, on screen adversary Squidward was seen cackling whilst performing somersaults around the Squarepants residence. It was rumoured that the pair’s animosity had spilled off-set, but Mr Star assured fans they were the best of friends “I know Squidward’s hurting inside. Some people just grieve in their own way”.
Posted on 06 June 2010
NEW ORLEANS, LA – BP CEO Tony Hayward has promised to pump millions of dollars to avoid the company’s fragile reputation being wiped out due to continuous negative coverage of the Gulf Coast oil spill. BP have been placed on the endangered brands list, joining such at risk names as Toyota and MySpace, yet to show any sign of leaving the list.
“I want to underscore our commitment to doing everything possible to minimize the impact of this negative press” replied Mr Hayward when it was suggested he hadn’t taken the situation seriously enough, “No expense will be spared, let me tell you. We’re fully committed to making sure people forget this whole ever thing happened.”
Since the leak that started the outpouring of negative reporting, at least 491 sales meetings, 227 TV spots and 27 commercial deals, including a tie-in with Burger King, have been cancelled. Marketing experts are calling this the worst PR disaster to hit the US in years with BP’s stock price already plunging after earlier PR efforts failed. “OK, so maybe offering free oil changes was a mistake” admitted Hayward. “We still have plenty of ideas left in the tank”, these are thought to include a benefit concert with Bono for orphans in the coming weeks.
BP have been criticised for doing ‘too little too late’, with leading executives claiming not nearly enough is being done to repair the damage to the oil giant’s reputation. “This is looking like the biggest freaking oil spill the country has ever seen…They could at least drop cash from a blimp or something” commented Richard Branson.
While the true scale of the damage won’t be known for years, Mr Hayward remained confident the company’s reputation can be repaired, saying BP could always make an advert with Tom Hanks ‘if things got really bad’.