Archive | Features

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Lee Nelson Throws Money At Sepp Blatter, Awarded 2026 World Cup


ZURICH – Lee Nelson has been awarded the 2026 World Cup moments after throwing banknotes over FIFA President Sepp Blatter during a press conference.

The fictitious character illegally gained entry to the FIFA headquarters in Zurich and showered a seated Blatter with substantial amounts of cash.

Sepp Blatter’s decision to award Nelson the 2026 World Cup is said to have been made “before the last note hit the floor”.

Credible candidate

The press conference was delayed by 10 minutes while FIFA officials scooped up the money and counted it before ratifying the decision to appoint Nelson as World Cup host.

Lee Nelson is a surprise winner of host duties as he was not considered a candidate until throwing money at Sepp Blatter.

Many have credited the move to launch money directly at Blatter’s person as the “tipping point” in the bidding process.

The comedic character has beaten the challenge of strong bids from USA, Uruguay plus a joint bid from two briefcases packed with small unmarked bills.

Lee Nelson will become the first comedic personality to host the 32 team competition. Blatter said he was confident Nelson would deliver a “fantastic World Cup experience” despite not being an internationally recognised country.

While other bids “could point to meticulous planning over many years to build presentations demonstrating their ability to run a world-class sporting tournament,” observers admitted Lee Nelson “ultimately had a better understanding of the audience he was pitching to.”

Due diligence

The still FIFA president praised the fictional character for the “strength of his bid”. Blatter expressed his desire to see football’s greatest showcase held in the “new home of football, the actual home of Mr Nelson.”

However, the decision has come under fire by those within the sport. Chief among concerns is whether Nelson’s two bedroom semi-detached home with north facing garden could accommodate 22 players and expected crowds of 50 to 60 thousand.

FIFA say they have already begun negotiations with the Hamiltons in number 37 and the Guptas in 41 to expand capacity by using neighbouring gardens.

“Of course there will be challenges,” admitted Blatter, addressing criticisms over limited capacity at the single venue. “But we can make this work.”

He went on to add: “nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred…one million.”

“We will make it work. For the good of football.”

Posted in Not USA, Sport, World CupComments (0)

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

FIFA Order Luis Suarez To Be Properly Fed Before Matches


BRAZIL – FIFA’s independent disciplinary committee have officially ordered Luis Suarez to eat three square meals a day after biting Giorgio Chiellini.

The incident occurred during Tuesday’s World Cup game with Italy where Suarez attempted to take a bite out of an opposing player, causing football’s governing body to “act fast” and ensure he is “properly fed before entering the field of play”.

Luis Suarez has also been handed £65,000 in Subway vouchers and will undergo mandatory training to learn why cannibalism is bad.

Hunger strikes

The 27-year-old had now been found guilty of biting three opponents in his career, prompting concerns no one was feeding him.

This represent the biggest food related controversy in world football since the 1987 FIFA investigation to determine who ate all the pies.

FIFA were praised for decisive action in the aftermath of the incident having also issued a warning for players to stay as clear of Suarez as the English defence did in São Paulo.

“This is not the first time this kind of biting has occurred and we must now take decisive action,” Claudio Sulser, chairman of the FIFA disciplinary committee, said in a statement.

“While we support players getting the required nutrition to ensure they remain competitive during matches, this organisation does not believe said nutrition should come from the flesh of a fellow player.”

“Even if that player is as annoying as Chiellini.”

Meal ticket

Suarez’s first meal could be at a local Brazilian restaurant before he is flown back to his home club for a Chinese buffet.  He must then “maintain a consistent course of meals throughout the footballing calendar.”

FIFA say it is imperative “the meals contain essential carbohydrates, fats and proteins to ensure the Luis Suarez does not become peckish while on the pitch.”

Immediately following the incident, Uruguay coach Oscar Tabarez blasted accusations Luis Suarez had not been properly fed during his team’s world cup campaign.

Tabarez said he had prepared his famous home-made Lahmacun especially for the players, arguing that if it was “good enough for my family to eat” it was good enough for Luis Suarez.

Liverpool also issued a statement shortly after news of the ruling emerged.  They accepted FIFA’s decision and reiterated the importance of regular meals.

Chief executive Ian Ayre appears to be backing the player however, with reports suggesting he has ordered his staff to fill up at the local Tesco in time for the coming season.

Posted in Sport, World CupComments (0)

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Russia’s Losing Hockey Team Still Missing After Sochi Games


SOCHI – Latest reports from Sochi suggest the entire Russian hockey team have yet to be seen since their quarter final loss in a game watched by Vladimir Putin.

Many agree the sudden disappearance of so many athletes is worrying news, but such things have been known to happen, especially when “Russians bring shame upon their country” according to Kremlin sources.

Read the full story

Posted in International, Olympics, SportComments (0)

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Grief Clinics Set To Stay Open For England World Cup Matches


ENGLAND – David Cameron has overruled the Home Office and ordered a review to ensure that grief clinic opening hours can be extended for England’s World Cup matches.

Tens of millions of fans watched England’s opening game in the 2010 World Cup, making it a highly lucrative event for grief clinics across the country.

Read the full story

Posted in International, Sport, World CupComments (0)

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

England To Practise With World Cup Ball Now “As We Won’t See It During Tournament”


ENGLAND – England have made plans to train with the new World Cup Ball after acknowledging they will see very little of it during the competition.

Unveiled this week, the Adidas Brazuca ball could be the most unfamiliar to an England team since they failed to qualify for the 1994 World Cup.

Read the full story

Posted in International, Sport, World CupComments (0)

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Definition Of “Shadenfreude” Updated After Brooks Coulson Affair


UNITED KINGDOM – The dictionary definition of “schadenfreude” will be updated after juicy details of two former News of the World editors’ private lives were splashed across tabloid newspapers.

Revelations of an ongoing affair between Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson that occurred as the two illegally uncovering details of other people’s private lives to further their own careers immediately caught the attention of dictionary officials.

The updated definition will go into the next version of the Oxford English Dictionary alongside updated definitions for “irony” and “comeuppance”.

What goes around

The news comes on a wave of public support from the public who took pleasure in hearing all the scandalous ins and outs including a love letter from Brooks to Coulson which was read out loud.

The details of the six year affair were heard in a court hearing in which prosecutor Andrew Edis QC told jurors he was not revealing the affair to deliberately intrude into the pair’s privacy but that it was a pleasant by-product of the legal process.

Officials at the dictionary said the entire situation captured the meaning of “schadenfreude” so well that an update to its definition was more than justified.

The digital edition of the dictionary would include a paparazzi photo of the pair hurriedly exiting the courtroom into a tinted car.

New meaning

The OED is the first publication to make the change, but given the pure elation felt at seeing the two former editors receive their just deserts, the Merriam-Webster and Collins dictionaries are likely to follow with similar updates in the near future.

“The Oxford English Dictionary is a proud institution and steward of the English language.  We don’t take matters of this nature lightly,” said Oxford University Press editor Michael Proffitt.

For these two in particular, “the fact that they were in this relationship, which was a secret, and the fact that secret is now very public, which is highly enjoyable, that’s why we’re changing the definition.”

“I mean, it’s perfect schadenfreude.”

Posted in Entertainment, News Corp Scandal, UKComments (0)

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

English FA Urge FIFA To Move Qatar 2022 World Cup To 1966


ENGLAND – The FA have called on FIFA to “seriously consider” moving the Qatar World Cup to the summer of 1966.

A spokesman confirmed the organisation’s stance after several countries have voiced their willingness to see the 2022 tournament moved.

There is now growing pressure to move to the sixties amid concerns England won’t win it if it was played at any other time.

Read the full story

Posted in International, Sport, World CupComments (0)

Tags: , , , , , ,

Julian Assange Hospitalised After Suffering From Lack of Publicity


LONDON – Julian Assange is spending his second night recovering in a local hospital after complications resulting from Hyper Acute Lack of Public Attention (HALoPA).

With his Wikileaks publicity fading over a year ago, the medical emergency was the direct result of Julian Assange failing to find any coverage of Julian Assange in a major media outlet.

Read the full story

Posted in UK, WikileaksComments (0)

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Paralympics: Oscar Pistorius Tests Positive For Sour Grapes


LONDON – In sad news for athletics, Paralympic Runner Oscar Pistorius has tested positive for the banned substance Sour Grapes.

The news of the Australian’s substance abuse has brought a cloud over the London games in what has otherwise been a fairly contested tournament.

It’s the first time an athlete has tested positive for the substance since the Ilford County High School 400m race from the school gates to the park entrance in July 2011.

‘Oscar has let himself down’

Sour Grapes are known for their effects on the human psyche.  Some effects include blaming external factors for a loss, in addition to temporary lapse in awareness that leads the taker to make similar arguments launched against him just weeks ago.

Pistorius had been suspected of Sour Grapes when he raised the issue of blade length to the IOC.  But he tested negative for the substance when he was winning all of his races.  He failed a routine test immediately following his 200m loss to someone who ran faster than him.

“We run the standard tests for all banned substances on every athlete,” described an anti-doping official.  “Hormones, anabolic agents, Sour Grapes, androgenic steroids.  All of it.”

“Our results showed Mr Pistorius was three times over the legal limit for Sour Grapes and has been given a formal warning as to his formal conduct.”

Although prohibited under the International Olympic Committee’s anti-doping program rules, Sour Grapes are classified as a specified substance, which can carry a reduced sentence.

This is due to the fact they do not count as a performance enhancing substance, though they are still frowned upon in many internationally recognised sports as well as among children over the age of 10.

Juicing

“It’s disappointing to say the least,” said Arne Ljungqvist, head of the IOC’s medical commission and a director of the World Anti Doping Agency.

“People want to see a fair and clean games and to discover one of our most prominent athletes was juicing on sour grapes is not good for the imagine of the sport.”

After results were made public, the south African had no choice to an immediate apology.

“I want to apologies to the fans,” Pistorius told reporters.  “Obviously I wasn’t fully aware Sour Grapes was on the [banned substance] list.  I never would have taken them otherwise.”

“Now that it’s been brought to my attention I know I have to stop using them after races in future.”

Posted in Olympics, SportComments (0)

Tags: , , , , , ,

Olympics Inspire Nation to Walk Instead of Drive to McDonald’s


ENGLAND – After two weeks of watching athleticism of the highest order, millions of Olympic enthusiasts say they have been inspired to walk to their nearest McDonald’s instead of driving.

Several individuals cited this summer’s Olympic games as the driving reason they were leaving their cars at home and making journeys of up to 10 minutes on foot.

Olympic officials praised the more active spirit shown by the host city, suggesting that “with sponsors like McDonald’s and Coke we’ve delivered the message of a more active nation loud a clearly.”

Legacy

“We left the car at home and where getting active,” said one supporter who made her family walk to the corner for a Big Mac meal together.  “I told them ‘we’re walking to Micky D’s and that’s it.”

“That Ugandan fellow ran 26 miles for a gold medal and we walked 90 seconds for a burger.  It’s the same thing.”

Indeed, there were several personal stories emerging following on from the biggest sporting event in the world.

“For me it had to be Mo and his incredible runs that inspired me,” recalled Jason Bateman, 36.  “Both the 5k and the 10k were a big motivator for running 0.2k to buy this Big Tasty.”

Another customer who had walked 50 metres to order three Big Macs and a diet coke said: “Seeing all those athletes put in the extra effort really inspired me to do the same.”

She explained how he “used to limit myself to just on one,” but now “always try to push beyond what I think I’m capable of.”

Aiming high

Brian Turnbull, local McDonald’s franchise owner said he had noticed an increase in the average order size since the end of the tournament, with customers seemingly no longer content with eating only one meal at a time.

Athletics fan Derek Chambers shed light on his motivation:

“I was inspired by Jess Ennis to go for my own heptathlon of the Double Cheeseburger, large fries, Filet o Fish, Quarter Pounder, Big Mac, an apple pie and some of that ice cream to round it off.”

“The Olympics really taught me that, om nom, we can’t settle, nom nom, for what we have but must to strive to bur-r-r-r-r-rup! Go for more.”

Posted in Olympics, UKComments (0)