LONDON – Justin Bieber has issued an apology to parents at his concert after his unexplained absence was cut short allowing him to get on stage and sing for a moment.

The teen star did not show after two hours but eventually disappointed parent accompanying their children when showed up and began his repertoire of songs.

His appearance caused shock to many adults in the Arena who had thought the were in the clear.

Bieber fever

There were boos on the stage when the 19-year-old eventually appeared, marking the moment parents realised they would have to stay for at least one Justin Bieber song.

Writing on Twitter, the Bieber blamed an unforseen resolution of issues for his arrival.

“There is no excuse and I apologise for anyone that was upset that these technical issues did not keep me away long enough to miss the show.”

A spokesman for The O2 said promoters have been asked to explain why after being hours late, the pop star did not just “sack the whole thing off.”

Speaking outside the venue, one fan recalled the feeling of tension around the arena as more time passed without the star making an appearance.

“But then the little twat pops up on stage all of a suddenly and there was no getting out of it then.”

‘He’s shown contempt for us all’

“Who does he think he is keeping us in suspense like that,” said Jessica Martins, 42, who was moments away from telling her nine-year-old “sorry we have to go” while holding back a smile.

“Some people here tonight paid good money to sit in the front row to look like a hero your child while silently praying that his tour bus drove into a ditch somewhere on the M25 and then he goes and pulls a stunt like this and shows up!”

Mrs Martins one of several in attendance who said they would not return to another Bieber concert given the high likelihood he would actually make an appearance at some point.

“If I wanted to see a show where the artist comes two hours late and performs like nothing’s happened I would have gone to one of those rap shows.”

UNITED KINGDOM – Paramount Pictures have been forced to recall their new movie from cinemas after initial screenings confirmed it contained traces of War Horse.

The action horror remake of the classic fairytale was found to contain up 30% of the equine based war drama, prompting an immediate removal from theatres nationwide.

Smaller amounts of War Horse were also found in The Avengers, Battleship and Total Recall.

War Horse scandal

Across Europe the production labeled as “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” has been found to be contaminated with War Horse and the contamination looks to have even affected straight-to-video titles according to sources.

After an initial denial, Paramount confirmed the 90 minute fantasy production had in fact been adulterated with several of scenes from the 2011 Steven Spielberg epic thought to have found their way into the movie during a “gross error” in the editing process.

Moviegoers were understandably to be shocked by the revelation and are demanding answers.

“Well it’s an outrage is what it is,” said one angry member of the public.  “I paid for Hansel and Gretel.  It clearly says ‘Hansel and Gretel’ on my cinema ticket.  So forgive me for expecting 100% Hansel and Gretel.”

“The fact that we were fed something other than what we paid for was even worse than the film itself, and I didn’t think that was possible,” said another disgruntled viewer.

However, after seeing the film several attendees did admitted something “felt out of place” when Hansel formed a deep bond with a horse wandering in the forest 30 minutes into the screening.

Public outrage

Studio officials stressed the contaminated title – shown across hundreds of cinemas over the UK and Ireland – posed no risk to the health of the public, unless they actually sat through and watched the entire thing.

However, a Paramount spokesman said customers affected could return tickets for a full refund and Inception on Blu-Ray.

In an effort to determine just how far the scandal has spread, the UK Film Council announced it would now conduct a full investigation into other blockbuster titles in search of War Horse scenes.

Fast and Furious was thought to contain traces of War Horse but further tests showed it actually contains large amounts of Raging Bull.

In related news, John Carter has been banned from screening after authorities said it misled the public into thinking it was a watchable piece of entertainment and is now facing charges of serious fraud.

WASHINGTON D.C – A new report has strongly hinted that a new breed of reality television shows are setting unrealistic levels of skankiness for the nation’s skanks.

The 10 year study by Pew Research Center claims programmes like A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, Real Housewives and Jersey Shore perpetuate a level of skank-like behaviour that is not attainable by the everyday skank.

Read the full story

UNITED STATES – Lance Armstrong is facing calls to pull out of his campaign to restore his public image after testing positive for remorse enhancing substances.

Following a televised confession to Oprah, the disgraced cyclist was subject to a random drugs test where traces of the banned substances including what looked like Remorsaderm were found in his system.

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YELLOWSTONE PARK – Oprah Winfrey has announced the conclusion of her “frank and honest” interview with Yogi Bear over allegations he defecated in a local wooded area.

After a decade of furious denials, the 300 pound brown bear looks set to finally admit that on several occasions he did in fact take a dump in the woods, according to the US presenter.

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HOLLYWOOD – Kate Middleton has received a late Oscar nomination for her performance as someone actually impressed with Kate Middleton’s self-portrait.

With the 85th awards just over a month away, the Duchess of Cambridge’s “brief but brilliant” acting performance was given the late nod from after offering what seemed like genuine praise to the Paul Emsley painting.

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NEW YORK – In his latest display of extreme endurance, David Blaine has revealed he will watch the last three Adam Sandler movies back to back to back.

The magician will spend over five hours in a sealed theatre with nothing but That’s My Boy, Jack and Jill and Just Go With It to keep him company.

He was originally scheduled to watch four movies, but was advised to cut Grown Ups from the list over mental health concerns.

Glutton for punishment

The feat will take part in a specially constructed theatre on New York’s west side.  It will be open to the public, allowing spectators to send messages of hope to the 39-year-old while he watches Sandler repeatedly set new lows in feature film.

“Dave’s gonna want to walk out after about 20 minutes of  watching Adam play his own sister,” explained stunt coordinator Larry Marshall.

“When he realises the exits have been sealed the reality will sink in and that’s when his survivor’s instinct will have to kick in, or he won’t make it.”

Blaine himself feels the being exposed to Adam Sandler’s deteriorating quality of work will push his mental state like never before.

Stuart Weiss, Blaine’s doctor, said the main risks included prolonged exposure to flat jokes and questionable premises in addition to a “very real” risk of depression as a result of seeing the guy from Happy Gilmore go out like this.

‘I don’t know how I could ever top this’

Ahead of the event, stunt coordinators made pains to stress to onlookers this kind of undertaking should “never” be replicated at home “or in cinemas for that matter.”

Authorities have already criticised Blaine for attempting the “reckless act” which they fear could lead to copycats making their own attempts to watch anything made by Sandler in the last six years without the proper supervision.

Safety is a bigger concern now he is a father.  He has a 20-month-old daughter and perhaps crucially, once the stunt begins there will be no pause between titles.

“David needs to make his health a priority,” said film critic Roger Ebert who consulted with Blaine on the safety of watching Adam Sandler’s recent work.

“In my professional opinion, two would have sufficiently pushed the limits of human endurance but I understand David wants to put on a show.  Though I had to put my foot down at four.”

“There is no sense in completing a stunt if you blow your brains out moments later.”

MASSACHUSETTS  – The following is an open letter sent by Mitt Romney defending the comments he made towards the publicly funded children’s education show Sesame Street.

Fellow humans,

Much has been made of my recent comments to cut funding to PBS. Even as my maid types this letter for me I can hear the distant sounds of protests in the outer perimiter of my home.

After the first presidential debate viewers have used the opportunity to label me cold and out of touch with the average person.

How these people know me so well I don’t know but these observations are besides the point.  Furthermore, they make me look bad so I would like to more elegantly explain why Sesame Street must be left to fend for itself.

Let’s start with the financials.  The $444 million is funnelled to this organisation every year.  In comparison, I aim to avoid paying this amount of tax over the course of my lifetime, which should tell you just how grotesque the figure really is.

Then there is the moral issue.  There are 47 percent off muppets on Sesame Street who don’t want to take responsibility for themselves but would rather wait on PBS for handouts in order to make it through another episode.

The president’s approach of using public money to fund educational programs for children is attractive to muppets that do not pay income tax because they don’t work and because they are muppets.

They don’t believe in the American dream like you and I.  They believe they’re entitled to basic shapes, primary colours, to the alphabet, to you name it.  Every week they expect another letter to simply fall out of the sky as if B’s and C’s grew on trees.

What a bunch of moochers.

Take this guy for example; Oscar the Grouch.  Zero record of employment and it’s the policies of this government that have allowed him to live furry paw to mouth while hard working individuals like Count Von Count put in put in a tough shift counting things.

I myself enjoy counting.  Sometimes I will just sit in the garden and count the number of Mexicans under my employ.

Cookie Monster is another freeloader.  Here is a classic case of some googly-eyed moocher that has convinced himself cookies will be provided to him ad infinitum.  And what happens if he doesn’t get a cookie?  He flips out.

This truly is Obama’s America.

Under my administration, every muppet will have to make its own way without becoming dependant on the government.  I understand in the short-term there will be problems, but so what if we don’t get all the letters?  Only one percent of them are important anyway.

I like Big Bird, which is why I can no longer see him play the role of the victim.

However, I don’t care much for Snuffleupagus.  His name sounds arabic and I have yet to see him prove he was born on Sesame Street.

In conclusion, If elected president I will shut down the entitlement culture that has been allowed to fester on Sesame Street, just as soon as someone can tell me how to get there.

Yours Truly,

Willard Mitt Romney. Future President of the United States,

Sent from my third house.

NEW YORK – Barack Obama has warned the American people to stay vigilant, reminding the nation that although Osama Bin Laden may be dead “Charlie Sheen is still out there.”

Speaking at a ceremony marking the 11th anniversary of terror attacks on the country, President Obama made clear the threat that still existed.

“Last year we launched a successful operation to remove the head of the world’s most dangerous terrorist organisations. But we are not safe.  Charlie Sheen has a new show.”

This stark warning follows confirmed intelligence reports that the Hollywood actor is preparing to release another sitcom targeted at millions of Americans with cable.

New threat

With Anger Management picked up for 90 episodes, the president admitted the continuation of Charlie Sheen’s career has been one of his biggest failings during his first term in office.

In a poignant moment, relatives read aloud the names of those who have said they would “check out” the new show and held a minute silence for those lost to good television.

President Obama flexed his domestic security policy credentials and announced he would work tirelessly to see Charlie Sheen off screens “once and for all.”

“Somehow Charlie escaped his own self-destruction.  We don’t know if he had help from al-Qaeda or what,” said the president who outlined the scale of the threat posed by Sheen’s generic base humor and overacting.

“We accomplished much in almost four years,” began Obama.  “We reformed healthcare.  Meaning little Susie can get the treatment she needs regardless of pre-existing conditions.”

“Thanks to the bailout of the auto industry General Motors are open for business and Mom and dad can ride little Timmy to school proud to know that car was built right here.  In these United States.”

“But what about little Eric?  He’s still forced to watch this maniac play the exact same character no matter what show it is and that’s just not good enough.”

‘We have options’

Obama went on to pledge to rid TV of the lowest form of pre-scripted, mindless, manufactured mental corrosion next to Fox News.

He offered a positive note however, saying the U.S. has emerged “even stronger” following nine seasons of punchlines you can see coming a mile away.

He declared to a rapturous audience: “Why, just yesterday I watched Breaking Bad just and let me tell you America.  The state of our TV is strong.”

“And if we can survive the Kardashians, we can survive this.”

NEW JERSEY – Following the start of Mars Curiosity Rover’s search for evidence of  life, NASA have announced the subsequent launch of a second Rover to the set of Jersey Shore.

The decision to explore the barren wasteland comes as the organisation looks to confirm whether the reality show is able to support anything that can be classed as intelligent life.

NASA’s mission is the largest and most ambitious to be sent by the United States since the last probe was sent to search for signs of black people on the set of Dallas in 1978.

Curiosity landing

NASA confirmed the successful landing of the automated motor vehicle 0600 hours PST, while experts confessed the search Jersey Shore was not guaranteed to produce positive results especially after reviewing  footage to date.

“This mission is about collecting the necessary data to determine whether Jersey Shore is capable of sustaining intelligent life,” said  Steve Carlson, lead rover driver for the Jersey Show Curiosity.

“From the video evidence so far this has been inconclusive at best.”

Mr Carlson also detailed to kind of harsh environment the Rover would have to deal with including table shaped projectiles, extreme levels of spray on tan and Snooki in the lower atmosphere of the set.

NASA revealed the extent of the anxiety inside their lab in Pasadena California, describing “seven minutes of terror” as the Rover made its way through the New Jersey atmosphere to touch down and begin its search for any signs of intelligent life.

Although chances of a breakthrough remain “up in the air”, scientists remain optimistic that “if Jersey Shore did at one time support human life it can do again.  We have to keep looking.”

Data gathering

So far NASA have played down expectations of a significant discovery.  Dr. Nathan Bushell warned “anyone who has reviewed existing five seasons of footage knows this mission is a long shot”.

“There’s a super team of smart people on this, but the risk is that there just isn’t anything to find.”

“We have to be prepared for that scenario,” he said.

However, if positive results do emerge, it would provide incentive for missions to other locations like My Super Sweet 16, Real Housewives and Todd Akin’s congressional office in the continued search for something close to intelligent life.

“Is there anything sentient happening in any of these places?  If we don’t ponder such things we’re not asking ourselves the right questions.”