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Mario Held On Charges Of Road Racing, DUI And Resisting Arrest


MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Global star Mario has appeared in court accused of driving under the influence while racing through a Mushroom Kingdom neighbourhood in a rented kart.

Mario was arrested on Sunday after police say he was driving recklessly on Rainbow Road in a light red Standard Kart M model vehicle.

The 40-year-old was released from custody after posting bail of 2,500 Gold Coins.

Danger to society

The incident took place just after 4am in a residential area near a school for immigrant Kirbys.

Mario was held along with the driver of a second vehicle, a green Classic Dragster Kart, who was later identified as brother Luigi.  Both cars were impounded.

It’s understood Toad was with the brothers at the time but fled the scene with help of a Boo power up and is now considered a fugitive from justice.

Mario was taken home from the court by Princess Peach who was said to be looking “extremely pissed off”.

The police statement said: “The suspects were starting from a stop position and proceeding to accelerate to a high rate of speed, going almost double the speed limit or more if they timed the drift just right.”

Reports also accuse Mario and his entourage of conducting similar stunts in Coconut Mall and Moonview Highway.

Mario was “a problem from the start” according to one of the arresting officers at the scene.

“First he pretended he didn’t see us flashing our lights, then he dropped a triple banana on us.”

“But he didn’t know our star was already activated, and when we put that red shell on him we were able to move in for the arrest.”

Troubled star

Mario initially refused to cooperate during the investigation and made statements that he had consumed some alcohol and had been smoking Fire Flower.

When asked to step out of his kart he was inexplicably wearing a frog suit and also charged with resisting arrest after throwing fireballs at officers.

He was said to be more cooperative in court, though authorities released a mug shot showing him punching a brick ceiling looking for more coins.

The incident comes barely a week after Mario’s Mushroom Kingdom home was searched by police following allegations he egged Bowser’s castle.

In November, officials at the Mushroom City border seized Mini, Bee, Super and Rock Mushrooms from Mario’s person and he was charged with unlawful possession distribution of a controlled substance.

With this most recent incident, many fear Mario could be deported back to Italy unless he puts a stop to his disruptive behaviour.

“I’m worried.  The way he’s going he’ll run out of 1UPs soon,” said long-time friend Pac Man.  “No one wants to see that happen.”

“Well, expect Sonic.”

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Kanye West Interrupts Pope Francis Person Of The Year Speech


VATICAN – Kanye West has sparked more controversy after interrupting the Pope Francis’ acceptance speech for the Person of the Year award.

The 77-year-old pontiff, collecting his award at the Vatican, was left humiliated as West appeared to grab the microphone and launch into a passionate diatribe.

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Voyager 1 Finds Traces Of Kanye West On Planet “Far Far Away”


WASHINGTON D.C – The Voyager 1 spacecraft has uncovered trace amounts of Kanye West in interstellar space on a planet light years away.

According to scientists at NASA’s jet propulsion laboratory, Voyager’s instruments show it has moved beyond the bubble of hot gas from our solar system’s sun and into the hot gas emitted from the rapper-turned-walking ego Kanye West.

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Michael Bay Ready To Ruin Another Of Your Childhood Memories


HOLLYWOOD – Producer Michael Bay has expressed delight over his deal with Paramount to ruin another of your childhood memories.

The man responsible for all three Transformers movies told fans he is “super excited” to be working on a new franchise, promising to take all you love dear and reduce it to a soulless computer graphics stuffed shell of its former self.

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Miley Cyrus To Kill Goat, Drink Its Blood At Next MTV Performance


CALIFORNIA – Rumours surrounding pop star Miley Cyrus suggests she plans to kill a goat and drink its blood in her performance at next year’s MTV Video Music Awards.

The singer, who smoked a joint at the EMA Music Awards is reportedly planning her next shocking act in a bid to remain marginally relevant for a few more months.

Rehab clinics immediately backed the star’s plans with Betty Ford Clinic officials already saving a room for the 20-year-old.

Pushing boundaries

According to sources close to Miley Cyrus, her next VMA set would “almost certainly” consist of the star entering the stage riding a mountain goat, performing the hit Wrecking Ball while atop the goat before dismounting to slowly strangle the goat to death and cutting the goat open to drink its blood on stage.

She would then close her performance by twerking to the Hannah Montana hit Pumpin’ Up the Party wearing the goat’s skin and shooting heroin into her veins.

If the rumours prove true, music experts agree she could expect her next album to go straight to number one.

Her publicist wouldn’t be drawn on specifics but did acknowledge the former child star needed to “up her game” if she wanted to keep selling records.

“If Miley wants to keep her music career going for even another year she knows she has to do more.”

Miley Cyrus herself was tight-lipped about her future plans, saying she was thinking only as far as her next tour date where she is due to have sex with a llama.

Shock value

Music experts are now debating whether the proposed performance would be a step too far, while many were simply in awe that the star found any time for music.

“Miley has already done so much to push forward the idea of what a stage performance should be with her blend of pop music and early onset mental breakdown,” said David Clark, music writer for GQ Magazine.

“But you do worry she is trying to do it all too fast.  Even Britney waited till she was 26 before shaving her head.”

Cyrus supposedly passed on other performance options which include kicking a poodle and defecating on Justin Bieber, but Clark dismissed the thought that she would soon run out of ideas to stay in the news, insisting “she’s not even close.”

“Besides, she knows she can always shock us by actually singing a decent song.”

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Definition Of “Shadenfreude” Updated After Brooks Coulson Affair


UNITED KINGDOM – The dictionary definition of “schadenfreude” will be updated after juicy details of two former News of the World editors’ private lives were splashed across tabloid newspapers.

Revelations of an ongoing affair between Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson that occurred as the two illegally uncovering details of other people’s private lives to further their own careers immediately caught the attention of dictionary officials.

The updated definition will go into the next version of the Oxford English Dictionary alongside updated definitions for “irony” and “comeuppance”.

What goes around

The news comes on a wave of public support from the public who took pleasure in hearing all the scandalous ins and outs including a love letter from Brooks to Coulson which was read out loud.

The details of the six year affair were heard in a court hearing in which prosecutor Andrew Edis QC told jurors he was not revealing the affair to deliberately intrude into the pair’s privacy but that it was a pleasant by-product of the legal process.

Officials at the dictionary said the entire situation captured the meaning of “schadenfreude” so well that an update to its definition was more than justified.

The digital edition of the dictionary would include a paparazzi photo of the pair hurriedly exiting the courtroom into a tinted car.

New meaning

The OED is the first publication to make the change, but given the pure elation felt at seeing the two former editors receive their just deserts, the Merriam-Webster and Collins dictionaries are likely to follow with similar updates in the near future.

“The Oxford English Dictionary is a proud institution and steward of the English language.  We don’t take matters of this nature lightly,” said Oxford University Press editor Michael Proffitt.

For these two in particular, “the fact that they were in this relationship, which was a secret, and the fact that secret is now very public, which is highly enjoyable, that’s why we’re changing the definition.”

“I mean, it’s perfect schadenfreude.”

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Zombies Hit Out Over “Stereotypical” Halloween Costumes


KENTUCKY – The world’s population of zombie have hit out at Halloween party goers for wearing stereotypical costumes that paint zombies in a derogatory fashion.

Zombies have been a popular costume choice for decades but zombie groups, or “herds”, have said enough is enough and called on the still living to consider alternate costumes this Halloween season.

One zombie questioned said: “sure, we eat brains but Filipinos eat duck foetus so who’s the disgusting one really?”

Cultural sensitivity

Last year a college student, Shannon McCarthy, came under heavy fire when photos of her zombie themed party were put online.  She came under intense pressure to remove the “offensive” images by zombie advocacy groups.

Unfortunately she was tragically eaten alive along with three friends after stumbling across a wandering group of zombies and never got the chance.

Current zombie spokesman and former scientist with a promising future Jon Bradford phD said it was time to educate people about the true impact the “crude stereotype” was having on the zombie population.

“We must end this harmful depiction,” he explained as he shuffled to what looked like his next meal.  “These costumes reduce an entire culture of undead into a two-dimensional caricature made of nothing but negative connotations that’s just not who we are,” adding: ”braaaaains”.

Pinning down his unsuspecting target, he went on to say: “Eating brains is just a small part of what it means to be a zombie.”

“I mean, I got a wife and kids…at least I did before I ate their brains.”

‘We’re (undead) people too’

Wiping blood and brain matter from the hole that used to be his mouth, Zombie Jon urged party-goers to think about what costume they wear and how it offend others.

Newly turned zombie Sarah Mitchell agreed with Zombie Jon but suggested the media also played a big part in perpetuating the negative stereotype.

The former teacher and mother of four blamed shows like The Walking Dead for “negatively typecasting Zombies as mindless and bloodthirsty”.

Seeking his next victim, Zombie Jon called on costume manufacturers to pull insulting generic zombie uniforms from shelves or at least produce costumes for Halloween that included the rich history of zombies.

Zombie Doctor, Zombie Lawyer or Zombie Average Guy Running In Fear For His Life were just a few costume ideas that could offer the necessary cultural nuance.

“We’re only asking for a bit of sensitivity.  That’s all.”

He later added: “braaaaains”.

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North Korea Respond To Xbox One Used Game Policy With Missile Test


PYONGYANG – North Korea have launched an unscheduled round of missile tests in response to the used game policy on the upcoming Xbox One console.

The country’s leader made clear his disapproval of a more restrictive stance on used games, calling on Microsoft to “take back its regressive actions for my sake and for the sake of the gaming community.”

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Barack Obama Appoints Lindsay Lohan As Scandal Czar


WHITE HOUSE – Barack Obama has named Lindsay Lohan as new as the new U.S. Scandal Czar following a wave of troubling news stories to hit the White House.

As new scandal coordinator, the Disney actor turned hollywood socialite turned anti-drug campaigner’s wet dream will draw on her own personal experience to oversee the management of three separate White House scandals.

The appointment finally fulfills the potential Lohan has shown ever since her first DUI arrest.

New role

Lohan comes to the White House with six years of scandal experience on her resume, which includes six jail sentences, 20 court appearance and one ankle bracelet.

The appointment is seen as vital as the Obama Administration looks to get out in front of the wave of negative publicity by bringing in an expert to manage the situation.

Jay Carney said “No one here has been involved in a news story this bad before…even with the birth certificate thing.”

“We need what to expect when public perception looks extremely bleak and we’re confident Ms. Lohan will give us that insight.”

It’s thought she would handle the Benghazi scandal last as she was yet to get herself up to speed and find Benghazi on a map.

Lohan was not available for public as she had a prior engagement skipping bail.

‘Much needed expertise’

Judge Marsha Revel back the appointment by saying: “Lindsay is already familiar with high-profile scandals, she’s been involved with so many herself and has built a career in dealing with them.”

Speaking at the White House, President Obama said he needed to bring in experienced professional familiar in dealing with the fallout of appalling behaviour made public.

“Let me be clear,”  Obama began.  “Lindsay has been dealing with public scandals even longer than she’s had a credible movie career.  Her expertise will be vital in advising my administration through equally troubling times.”

The incoming czar can look forward to dealing with fallout from the IRS targeting conservative groups, the Justice Department monitoring private press phone calls and the attack on the US consulate in Benghazi.

The collection of scandals are so severe that President Obama has since admittedly he now looks back fondly on his first term when his biggest problem was an inability to pass legislation.

Staring wistfully, Obama said: “I still remember when my biggest worry about was my complete inability to overcome petty partisanship.”

“Boy I miss those days.”

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Justin Bieber Apologies to Parents For Turning Up to Concert At All


LONDON – Justin Bieber has issued an apology to parents at his concert after his unexplained absence was cut short allowing him to get on stage and sing for a moment.

The teen star did not show after two hours but eventually disappointed parent accompanying their children when showed up and began his repertoire of songs.

His appearance caused shock to many adults in the Arena who had thought the were in the clear.

Bieber fever

There were boos on the stage when the 19-year-old eventually appeared, marking the moment parents realised they would have to stay for at least one Justin Bieber song.

Writing on Twitter, the Bieber blamed an unforseen resolution of issues for his arrival.

“There is no excuse and I apologise for anyone that was upset that these technical issues did not keep me away long enough to miss the show.”

A spokesman for The O2 said promoters have been asked to explain why after being hours late, the pop star did not just “sack the whole thing off.”

Speaking outside the venue, one fan recalled the feeling of tension around the arena as more time passed without the star making an appearance.

“But then the little twat pops up on stage all of a suddenly and there was no getting out of it then.”

‘He’s shown contempt for us all’

“Who does he think he is keeping us in suspense like that,” said Jessica Martins, 42, who was moments away from telling her nine-year-old “sorry we have to go” while holding back a smile.

“Some people here tonight paid good money to sit in the front row to look like a hero your child while silently praying that his tour bus drove into a ditch somewhere on the M25 and then he goes and pulls a stunt like this and shows up!”

Mrs Martins one of several in attendance who said they would not return to another Bieber concert given the high likelihood he would actually make an appearance at some point.

“If I wanted to see a show where the artist comes two hours late and performs like nothing’s happened I would have gone to one of those rap shows.”

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