Archive | 2012 Elections

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Republicans Claim Voter Intimidation After Black Man Added to Election Ballot

WASHINGTON – The validity of the 2012 presidential election has been questioned by Republicans, accusing Democrats of voter intimidation by adding a black man to the ballot.

The Federal Election Commission has been inundated with complaints from conservative voters identifying a “scary black man” as showing up on several voter forms, leaving people feeling intimidated while casting their vote.

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Mitt Romney Told Number of Poor in US, Quits Presidential Race

MASSACHUSETTS – The battle for president has taken a last minute twist with news that Mitt Romney has dropped out of the race after learning how many poor people actually live in America.

Reports suggest the GOP candidate had not been fully aware of the precise number of Americans living in poverty, a statistic he learned earlier today for the first time.

Staff say Romney was so disgusted by the discovery that he decided it was no longer worth becoming president.

Election bombshell

Sources close to the Romney campaign describe the “5 minutes of madness” that lead to the stunning development when the former Massachusetts governor stormed out of his campaign headquarters muttering “…didn’t work this hard for so many Goddamn moochers” and “Obama can have the damn thing” following a phone call from an anonymous source.

His campaign manager was at a loss to explain was looks like being the most shocking tantrum thrown by a presidential candidate since George Washington was told he had too many slaves.

“I’m just as shocked as you are right now,” admitted a flustered Matt Rhoades.  “One minute Mitt is on the phone asking for support, the next he’s looking like a donkey just dropped its balls in his mouth.”

Mr Rhoades told reporters he heard Romney yell “HOW MANY?” over the noise of the crowded room.

“Before I could ask what happened he’s up off his chair and storms outta here.  Can someone tell me what’s going on?!”

Campaign difficulties

The timing has taken several of his campaign staff by surprised as “we all thought he knew how many poor people there were in the country,” according to campaign assistant Mandy Shepard.

“I just assumed Mitt was ok with it.”

With just hours left in the race Romney’s team face an uphill battle to bring him around to the idea of working this hard for so many impoverished citizens.

In efforts to salvage the campaign Mr Rhoades has called in Romney’s vice presidential running mate to “talk some sense into him”.

Paul Ryan is expected to remind the presidential hopeful that with their economic and health care plans in place there wouldn’t be any poor people to worry about.

“This isn’t a lost cause by any means,” added Mr Rhoade.

“I just hope no one tells him how many black people there are here.”

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Ohio Residents Brace For Approaching Storm of Campaign Ads

OHIO – Residents of Ohio are being told to prepare for a “superstorm” of political campaign advertisement ahead of the 2012 presidential election this week.

With three days until votes are cast, the state is expected to take the brunt of a non stop torrent of political ads after both campaigns decided Ohio is the only state that matters in the race to become president.

Political ads pleading for last-minute support are expected to hit thousands of undecided voters, leaving them even more confused than they were before.

This is not a drill

It’s expected that areas most vulnerable will be ones with televisions and locals have begun taking action against the incoming deluge of broadcast and radio spots, emails, circulars, billboards, and robocalls.

The first ads have already appeared on the nightly news and are making their way to daytime television before gathering in the vicinity of prime time where they will do most damage.

Even experts have been taken by surprised with the ferocity of what they have coined the “superstorm of political bullsh*t”,

Locals are already making plans to evacuate the area to safer non battleground states which are likely to see significantly less political ads.

“All we hear is job creator this and give me more time that,” said Julie Pearlman who did not survive the political storm of 2008 and now expects to vote for an independent candidate.

Reports suggest the grim scenes would be repeated in swing states across the country.

“We’re going to Mississippi until this all dies down,” Mrs Pearlman told reporters.  “Romney has that state wrapped up so it will be a heck of a lot safer.”

State of emergency

The impending storm has been made worse as many residents are with working TVs and so able to view any one of the hundreds of ads are being broadcast daily.

Ohio mayor Michael B. Coleman said at a briefing that unless there was a clear shift in polling numbers, “we’re going to see more campaigning here in the next 48 hours than we’ve seen in the entire year” and called on residents to take precautions when switching channels as “these ads can appear when you least expect them.”

Showing he was taking charge of the situation Coleman promised to working with electricity companies to shut down services to homes until the election was done.

“Rest assured we are looking at every option to keep people of Ohio safe.”

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Mitt Romney Takes on Mitt Romney in Final Presidential Debate

OHIO – In the fourth and final debate of the presidential election, Mitt Romney faced off against his most contrasting ideological opponent of the race: Mitt Romney.

Hailed as the fiercest political debate in recent memory, the conservative candidate came out “guns blazing” against his more moderate counterpart and clashed over several crucial election issues.

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Barack Obama Gives Predator Drone To Every Audience Member In Debate

FLORIDA – The third presidential debate saw a stunning surprise as Barack Obama announced every single audience member would be getting their own predator drone to take home.

In what was the biggest surprise of the campaign so far, President Obama gave all in attendance a box, suggesting whoever had a remote guidance system would get a Predator drone.  The Lynn  University crowd went ballistic when they quickly realised everyone was getting a Predator drone.

The shocking reveal came in response to a moderator question over the president’s policy on drone attacks.

Dreams do come true

With many expecting the issue to be overlooked entirely, onlookers were genuinely surprised when Bob Schieffer turned the subject of the debate to the secretive practise of unmanned and indiscriminate bombing of civilian areas between Afghanistan and Pakistan.

But they were even more surprised when the president asked them to look under their seats.

“Look Bob,” Mr Obama began in his response.  “We’ve been using drones successfully to take out al-Qaeda operative who would do us harm.”

The president continued: “…What I’m trying to say is, I think if everyone in the audience takes a peek under their seat they’ll find the answer to that particular question.”

As people felt underneath the lecture room seating they discovered mysterious boxes.

“Now I want you to hold your box but don’t open them,” Obama said with a knowing smile.

After calling for a drum roll the president instructed the audience to “open up those boxes and see what you’ve got in there.”

It was at that point the crowd realised every box had controls to an MQ-1 Predator drone and in front of an audience of eligible voters, the president ecstatically cried “You get a drone.  You get a drone.  Youuuu get a drone!”

“Everybody gets a drone.  Everybody gets a Predator drone!”

‘Is this the wildest thing ever or what?’

“This is so freaking cool!” Cried on tearful audience member.  “I never had a drone before. Obama is the man!”

President Obama told the audience they were free to use the drones “as you see fit,” adding: “There’s no need to tell anyone what you do with them,” as “heck, we don’t tell you anything.”

Another voter said they would be putting their drone to use right away in clearing the lines at the next Macy’s sale.

“I hope that answers your question Bob,” finished the president as the fever pitch finally died down.

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President Obama’s Use of Facts, Math May Put Off Voters Say Experts

FLORIDA – Political analysts have warned President Obama’s use of facts and math risks alienating voters and could cost him the 2012 election.

Political commentator and Count Chocula stunt double Charles Krauthammer praised Romney for his tight grip on basic election strategy, leaving things like realistic figures and accurate representation of reality “at the door where they belong”.

The president however, has made a concerted effort to incorporate both in his reelection campaign efforts, a strategy labelled “foolhardy” by many observers.

Liar liar

Pundit and part-time Bond villain James Carville is just one analyst to openly question whether being loose with “numbers ‘n stuff” will backfire on the president, having seen Mitt Romney claw his way back in this election.

“Romney gets it plain and simple.  You saw that first debate,” Carvile said. “He didn’t waste any time saying things that could be traced back to facts.”

“That’s the attitude you need when running for office.”

When questioned, Mitt Romney put his recent bounce in polling down to his strong belief in the separation of words and facts – a belief that Krauthammer believes could see him claim the presidency come November.

Krauthammer offered advice to the Obama campaign ahead of election day, suggesting the president borrow from the former Massachusetts governor and “start telling those huge whoppers he’ll need for those last days of the election.”

“No one’s expecting him to get to the level that Romney is on right now.  He just needs to start with small things.  White lies like “that first debate didn’t go so badly”.

“Or when he talks to  China about the money we owe them, say ‘the check’s in the mail’. Little things like that.”

New strategy

In a surprise move, MSNBC host Chris Matthews agreed with Krauthammer, calling on Barack Obama to “wake up and realise what race he’s in”.

“What’s he doing?! This isn’t exam prep.  This is the race for President of the United States of America – the highest office in the land.  Facts and math have no place here.”

“Maybe on a McDonald’s application form, but not here.”

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47% of Seasame Street Live for Welfare: Open Letter From Mitt Romney

MASSACHUSETTS  – The following is an open letter sent by Mitt Romney defending comments  made towards the publicly funded children’s education show Sesame Street.


Fellow humans,

Much has been made of my recent comments to cut funding to PBS. Even as my maid types this letter for me I can hear the distant sounds of protests in the outer perimeter of my estate home.

After the first presidential debate viewers have used the opportunity to label me cold and out of touch with the average person.

How these people know me so well I don’t know but these observations are besides the point.  They make me look bad.  So I would like to take a moment to better explain why Sesame Street must be left to fend for itself.

Let’s start with the financials.  The $444 million is funnelled to this organisation every year.  In comparison, I aim to avoid paying this amount of tax over the course of my lifetime, which should tell you just how grotesque the figure really is.

Then there is the moral issue.  There are 47 percent off Muppets on Sesame Street who don’t want to take responsibility for themselves but would rather wait on PBS for handouts in order to make it through another episode.

The president’s approach of using public money to fund educational programs for children is attractive to Muppets that do not pay income tax because they don’t work and because they are Muppets.

They don’t believe in the American dream like you and I.  They believe they’re entitled to basic shapes, to primary and secondary colours, to the alphabet. You name it.  Every week they expect another letter to simply fall out of the sky as if B’s and C’s grew on trees!

What a bunch of moochers.

Take this guy for example; Oscar the Grouch.  Completely non-existent record of employment and it’s the government’s policies that have allowed him to live furry paw to furry mouth while hard working individuals like Count Von Count put in put in a tough shift counting things on day after two days after three.

I myself enjoy counting.  Sometimes I will just sit in the garden and count the number of Mexicans under my employment.

Cookie Monster is another freeloader.  Here is a classic case of some googly-eyed moocher that has convinced himself cookies will be provided to him ad infinitum.  And what happens if he doesn’t get a cookie?  He flips out.

This truly is Obama’s America.

Under my administration, every Muppet will have to make its own way without becoming dependant on the government.  I understand in the short-term there will be problems, but so what if we don’t get all the letters in the alphabet?  Only one percent of them are important anyway.

I like Big Bird, which is why I can no longer see him play the role of the victim.

However, I don’t care much for Snuffleupagus.  His name sounds Greek and I have yet to see him prove he was born on Sesame Street.

In conclusion, if elected president I will shut down the entitlement culture that has been allowed to fester on Sesame Street, just as soon as someone can tell me how to get there.


Yours Truly,

Willard Mitt Romney. Future President of the United States,

Sent from my third house.

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Mitt Romney Crushed By Magic 8-Ball in Debate Warm Up

BOSTON – Mitt Romney has suffered a major setback ahead of the presidential debates after a crushing defeat to Magic 8-Ball forced him to call short a warm up debate session.

Facing questions on popular election issues, Romney answered by judging which string of words were most favourable in that given moment, and the Magic 8-Ball answered by being shaken vigorously for five seconds.

Observers say the fortune-telling toy proved much more consistent with its answers.

Tough opponent

This was the first time Mitt Romney had debated against a candidate filled with this much alcoholic substance since Rick Perry, and he looked uncomfortable again as the spherical object began pulling ahead in polling on a range of international and domestic issues.

A focus group of voters said the cold, hollow and inanimate candidate came off far worse than the Magic 8-Ball in many areas.  It went on to trounce the former Massachusetts governor with a string of clear affirmative responses in comparison to Romney’s vague non-answers.

One example came when asked whether he would release his tax returns if elected president.  Mitt Romney could only reply “cannot predict now”.

“You could tell he was struggling up there,”  recalled campaign manager Matt Rhoades who ended the session.  “We had to do something.  He was getting his ass handed to him by Magic 8-Ball.”

News of the pre debate loss is a major setback for and Romney’s campaign managers have already cancelled further warm up sessions against more formidable opponents such as Apple’s Siri.

‘Outlook not so good’

Romney himself remained optimistic, suggesting that while he “wasn’t as eloquent as I could have been,” he could improve on what he saw as his only weakness in his debate performance: answering simple yes-no questions on basic elements of his policies.

However, those who watched the proceedings were less enthusiastic about his chances.

“I felt Magic 8-Ball came across more credible,” explained one participant, Sue Baker, who scored the black and white plastic ball ahead by 11 points before the session was called to an end.

Another onlooker felt the Magic 8-Ball was “more concise, empathetic to human interests and showed a lot of personality on stage in comparison to Romney.”

Texas native Derek Rogers, explained: “It had Romney beat on a lot of the big issues.  I came out of this a big supporter of the vision Magic 8-Ball has for this country.”

“Mitt could really learn from this guy.”

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Romney Unveils New Campaign Message: “I Was Kidding This Whole Time”

MASSACHUSETTS – In a move to win over increasingly sceptical voters, Mitt Romney has unveiled his new campaign message to the voting public : “I was just fooling with you guys”.

The plan was developed after Romney’s chief political strategists privately acknowledged the best method of improving favorability in key battleground states is to have people think his presidential campaign has simply been an attempt at humor.

Sources say the new campaign will begin “effective immediately” under a revamped slogan: “You Thought I was Being Serious? 2012”.

I live for comedy

This latest reboot will see Romney announce he has been “pulling the leg” of the American people and the presidential nominee was on hand to deliver the new look campaign: “We’re focused on getting a new, new, new message to the American people,” he explained.

“One that says ‘hey, all that stuff you heard me say and do over and over in the last year?  We were just fooling around with y’all’.”

He then declared it time to get back to simple truths and admit “my campaign has been a big joke this whole time” – a message political analysts roundly agreed was one “sure resonate big time with the American people”.

Hammering home the new message, the Romney explained that “running a campaign where I alienate every interest group with each sentence to fall out of my mouth is just something I do for kicks.”

“Remember that time when I came across like an out of touch one percenter unable to express basic human empathy  for anyone making less than seven figures a year? Ha ha ha haaaaa.”

“Oh mercy.  That one still cracks me up.”

Fooled ya

It’s understood his campaign managers considered several potential strategies to regain lost ground in polls including framing current president Barack Obama for murder.

“We sat down and explored a bunch of options with the specific mandate of getting this campaign bus back on the road,” said one insider who wished to remain anonymous.

“Having Obama charged with murder was in the top three.  Our data show folks would have been highly concerned about voting for a guy on facing a murder rap.”

“In the end, the logistical challenge of framing a man for first or even second degree murder this close to the election was way too much.”

“Convincing people that everything Mitt has said and done has been a joke is infinitely more doable.”

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Nick Clegg Joins West Ham on Season Long Loan

UNITED KINGDOM – A surprise deadline day transfer has seen Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg leave the coalition government and sign for West Ham United on a season long loan.

The deal, said to be worth nothing, will see the Liberal Democrat leader join the Hammers after a disappointing two years at Downing Street.

His exit brings an end to a hectic day of deadline day transfers made by Prime Minister David Cameron in a bid to reshuffle his struggling cabinet.

Wheeling and Dealing

In addition to the transfer of Jeremy Hunt to health Secretary and Baroness Warsi to Foreign Office Minister, Mr Cameron has also brought in Michael Owen on a pay as you play contract.  A deal similar to the one the PM has with many conservative donors.

Owen, a free agent since being released by Manchester United, said he looked forward to joining Parliament where he would be able to sit on a back bench for long periods of time.

But it’s the departure of Nick Clegg from west to east London that has caught the majority of the headlines.

Clegg signed for the coalition in 2012 on what has since been described as a “crazy day” in the General Election that saw him join the government in a five year deal.

However, he could not cement his place in Westminster after failing to live up to his pre-election promise and has since fallen down the pecking order behind George Osborne, Samantha Cameron, Rupert Murdoch and Daughter Nancy Cameron when it comes to making effective government policy decisions.

“Nick understood that chances here would be few and far between if he stayed,” explained David Cameron.  “I would have made sure of it.”

Fresh start

Privately it’s understood Clegg’s preference was to stay with the coalition and fight for his place, but George Osborne made clear “we can no longer afford to keep him on the bench,” blaming the recession and slow Eurozone growth.

This morning, Clegg said: I’m the same as any politician who got massively lucky and found himself in an unexplained position of power.  I want to be setting policy week in week out.”

“Unfortunately the gaffer said my chances would be limited here, especially with the arrival of Nancy.  That happens and I have to accept it.  That’s government.”

West Ham manager Sam Allardyce was thrilled with his new arrival who he believes will improve his team’s chances of a top ten finish.

“Cleggy’s just the kind of person we need.  He has European experience and his ability to hold the line with no support is second to none.”

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