NEW YORK – Donald Trump has announced a controversial plan to build a wall around the North Pole in order to keep “the wrong kind of presents from entering America.”
Trump declared that should he become president, he would build a “great great wall” between the North Pole and America to ensure only the “best, most classy presents” arrived under American Christmas trees on December 25th. He also added that Santa Claus would pay for the wall’s construction.
The real estate mogul insisted his plan was as solid as and well thought out as his third marriage.
The great, great wall of Christmas
Speaking at a campaign gathering on Christmas Eve, the Republican presidential hopeful was very critical of Santa’s Workshop and the fact “they are sending a lot of problems to the country.”
“Santa and his little helpers come here every year. Every year they’re bringing their crappy presents, they’re bringing their lumps of coal and they’re bringing their rapists.”
“And some of them are good little helpers I assume.”
The Republican front-runner told doubters he has what it takes to get a wall built along the US-North Pole border, despite being over 6000 miles away.
“We will have a wall. The wall will be built. The wall will be built by elves. The wall will be successful. Merry Christmas.”
Reports suggest the need to build a wall has become even more urgent after rumours Trump would be receiving a lump of coal this year for the third year in a row
“Presents are pouring across the northern board and no one is checking them,” Trump said. “Europe and China are getting fantastic presents and we’re still getting crappy train sets and underwear. Not when I’m in charge. I will make America festive again.”
When asked how he would ensure a wall would keep Santa from getting to America in a sleigh capable of flight, the Republican candidate said the wall will be “really really big.”
“It’s going to start from the bottom of the sea and rise up so high that even Rudolph won’t be able to fly over it. It’s not rocket science.”
“We’re going to have a big, fat beautiful door on the wall; we’re going to have Santa’s little helpers come in, but they’re going to come in only if they have astonishingly excellent presents,” Trump said at the festive event.
‘I’m a very smart guy’
Trump’s plans have angered US-based elves who have labelled him “a Grinch”. This after he also laid out plans to deport millions of elves and shopping mall Santas already living in the United States.
“They’re not coming to this country and if I’m president, those already here are leaving on the first reindeer-powered sleigh back to the North Pole,” cried Trump.
His statements were greeted with enthusiastic applause from supporters, including his most vocal backer Ebenezer Scrooge. Indeed, many view the former Apprentice star as the only presidential candidate who has the “jingle balls to say it how it is”.
“Last year I asked Santa for a brand new Ferrari and a brand new hot wife,” blasted 47-year-old accountant Phil Mercer. “But all I got was socks from my old ugly wife! We need to build this wall and we need to build it right God damn now!”
Latest polling show Trump’s lead in the presidential race has jumped a remarkable 33%.