Republicans Unveil Google.com As Obamacare Alternative


WASHINGTON D.C. – Congressional House Republicans have unveiled their first genuine alternative to the Affordable Care Act: google.com.

Titled the “Just Google It” Healthcare Act, or “Googlecare”, the plan is set to put to rest ongoing criticism that the Republican party had up till now offered no practical alternative to the Affordable Healthcare Act.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor confirmed the entire country would be eligible for the new Republican plan “regardless of pre-existing conditions or browser version.”

Feeling lucky

The reveal of google.com is being hailed as major win among GOP members.  Legislation is expected to be put up for imminent vote within the House where it is likely to garner large conservative support.

Surrounded by a coterie of prominent Republicans, Cantor was confident enough to declare it now time to drop  the “bloated mess” that was Obamacare.

“This is system for all Americans to get adequate coverage,” he boasted before clarifying that “Americans” meant legally documented citizens only.

“Our plan is simple: when you land on google.com you just type in your symptoms and the system will instantly deliver a plethora of medical options for the patient to try out in their own time, in their own homes and most importantly, on their own dime.”

He then added: “More often than not one of those options will be relevant, meaning many will never have to see a doctor at all.”

And in the “rare cases” where there first 10 links returned by google.com did not fix the ailment, “there is always the emergency room.”

The system is understood to be familiar to anyone that has played Russian Roulette except in this case the bullet was basic healthcare.

Eric Cantor also introduced Mark Turnowski from Virginia, just one of the first Republican voters to forgo Obamacare in favour of google.com.

“I’ve been testing out the system for a while now and I gotta say it’s so much….whoa, did I just black out?”

Tried and tested

Unlike Obamacare there was no waiting period on google.com and users were guaranteed results as fast as they could mash on the keyboard in a panicked state.

Senior conservatives have also been quick to point out that unlike the ”unmitigated disaster” that was healthcare.gov, google.com was already up and running at a fraction of the cost.

Republican House Speaker John Boehner backed his party’s healthcare reform bill and pledged to “get this on the president’s desk as fast as the legal system will allow.”

Boehner could barely mask his excitement over the possibilities google.com would bring to healthcare and urged President Obama not to let “petty politics” get in the way of “true landmark healthcare reform.”

“If the president is serious about bipartisanship he’ll consider our proposal to allow Americans to diagnose their own health emergencies by randomly type things into Google.”

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