Government Calls on Santa to Get More Poor Children on Nice List

UNITED KINGDOM – The government has called on Santa Claus to get more children from poorer backgrounds on to the Nice List after this year’s delivery of presents.

A recent Yuletide report has shown children from the poorest fifth of the population are much less likely to get on the list of nice children than those from the richest group.

Conversely, 67% of the Naughty list was made up of children from poor backgrounds.

Slipping through the net

With the publication of this year’s Nice List – which determines who received the presents they applied for – the gap between rich and poor has only widened.

The statistics meant an increasing number of under tens were missing out on their top choice gifts every year, often forced to settle for a lump of coal.

There was agreement that measures should be taken “as once a child stopped believing in Santa they miss out on the chance to ever get on the Nice List again” according to Prime Minister David Cameron.

“This could go on to adversely affect a child’s merriment in later years.”

Child poverty advisor Alan Milburn condemned the Nice List for failing to represent society as a whole, expressing his belief that wealthier six-year-olds were not inherently more well-behaved than their poorer counterparts.

He challenged Santa and his elves to include those from all socioeconomic groups, saying: “If two children have been nice all year, why is the richer of the two routinely getting the toys they asked for?”

“Is it simply because their parents can afford nice things?”

“No, it’s because we have a broken system of naughty and nice that is failing our young people every Christmas morning.”

‘Christmas is for everyone’

In a controversial move, Milburn called for incentives to be offered to get more children from working class background on to the Nice List “before an entire generation is lost to the joys of a full stocking on Christmas.”

Reforms could see children paid to carry groceries for the elderly, eat their greens and not bully kids smaller than them even when presented with the opportunity.

But critics complain that such a policy would see middle class, well-behaved children miss out unfairly to children who had been given special favour.

As the debate rumbles on, Santa Claus publicly defended his selection process as an “objective, merit based system for selection the nicest youngsters regardless of money.”

“Ho ho no, I’m not for this affirmative action mumbo jumbo ho ho,” cried Mr Claus.

“If a little boy or little hasn’t done enough over the year to get on the Nice List, maybe that little boy or girl just don’t deserve it.”

“There, I said it.”

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