Mrs Petraeus Announces Phased Withdrawal From Marriage By 2013


LANGLEY – The wife of former military officer David Petraeus has announced she has begun a phased withdrawal from their marriage to be completed by the end of 2013.

Speaking with friends and family, Mrs Holly Petraeus attributed plans for a “complete and utter emotional withdrawal” to her husband’s inability to “keep it in his pants.”

She did however indicate that a small force would be left behind in the form of “my foot up his ass.”

Military precision

It’s understood Mrs Petraeus began making plans for a withdrawal soon after details of her husband’s ongoing affair with biographer Paula Broadwell were made public.

Mrs Petraeus has already employed a divorce lawyer to protect against counter offensive measures from the ex CIA director who has already launched a surge of shameless apologies.

It’s understood the former military commander and current “jackass” had done more than enough to justify an exit from the 38 year union.

In a prepared statement, she explained: “After surveying the situation on the ground I have agreed with my legal counsel a timetable that will see myself removed from what has now become a marital quagmire.”

Mrs Petraeus announced that the timetable for her husband to get the hell out and never come back will be implemented immediately and is expected to be completed “no later than January 2013”.

The withdrawal is to be completed in phases, with the first phase seeing Mr Petraeus sleeping on the couch alone for an extended period.

This would soon be followed by phase two which would see him gathering his personal belongs from the driveway of the family home, ending with stage three: “moving in with that damn floosy for all I care”.

Exit strategy

Though most military officials have praised the strategy of her decision, several ex wives have argued that the timetable for complete withdrawal gives too much time to enact counter-measures.

“If it was me I would have kicked his ass out right away,” advised Macy Cartwright who cited a Cosmo Magazine poll showing nearly two thirds of cheating husbands talk their way back into the house after being busted.

And although in favour of the strategy, divorce lawyer Candy Simmons said it was a “bad move to broadcast your intentions this early in the withdrawal proceedings” as “a public timetable could allow Mr Petraeus time to hide his assets.”

“She could have got much more in a divorce if he never saw it coming.”

3 Comments For This Post

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  2. get even Says:

    Dump the Chump !
    Sure, he is sorry , it was a mistake, what was I thinking ? blah, blah, bullshit !
    Men KNOW they are crossing the line, they know it will be so hurtful, the betrayal the lies, yet they still procede. They are truly remorseful….. because THEY GOT CAUGHT !
    If he doesn’t value you, your family, your wedding vows… why should you ?
    Staying with a lier and cheat condones this behavior, have some self- respect… even though he has ZERO for you.
    Don’t get mad… get EVEN !
    xo

  3. Joy May Says:

    Good for her!

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