United States – People who still believe in Lance Armstrong have been listed as an endangered species after a recent outbreak of a USADA doping report.
Scientists have confirmed the number of Lance Armstrong supporters (persona passio delusio) have declined by 80 per cent since the 1000 report was released into the wild.
The report has led to the spread of a condition known as “Sudden Awareness of Reality Syndrome” which attacks the area of the brain responsible for accepting facts.
Decimated numbers
Experts believe the group is now under serious threat from further disclosure of doping evidence and the US government has pledged $8 million (£5m) over the next five years to determined the best method of keeping fans ignorant.
“Once the cold hard facts settle in the host brain, the effects are instantaneous and deadly,” said wildlife expert Cameron Spector.
“This thing has already taken out large populations of Armstrong supporters in Europe, across Asia and it’s now working its way through North America.”
“Should we see further evidence that makes it even more abundantly clear just how guilty Lance Armstrong has been throughout his career, the persona passio delusio could be wiped out entirely.”
So dire is the situation that scientists suggest remaining supporters may be entered into a breeding program to grow numbers.
“At this rate it may be the only option we have of ensuring the Lance Armstrong supporter doesn’t go the way of the Dodo.”
Livestrong
Recent evidence detailing the star’s role in the largest drug scandal in sports since Barry Bonds lost sight of his testicles has seen supporters of the 41-year-old at their lowest numbers on record.
Officially, supporters who remain unaware of the report are listed as “endangered” and those supporters in possession of the report are to be listed as “stupid”.
Only a minority now exist outside of captivity and although conservation group would like to see the species in the wild, ”the reality is that strong action is needed to find out more about this disease and stop its spread.”
“The numbers are alarming. Scientists are telling us they’ve never seen anything like it,” said Catherine Smiley, a spokeswoman for the World Wildlife Fund.
“Even dinosaurs had a fighting chance.”
So far the only known way to prevent SARS was to turn away from the television, stick a finger in each ear and cry out “lalalalalalalaaaa I’m not listening” until weather and local news came on.
Leave a Reply