Peter Higgs Finds Right Subatomic Particle After Placing Ad In

GENEVEA – Scientists at CERN have paid tribute to for enabling Peter Higgs to finally find the subatomic particle “he’s been looking for all his life.”

Peter Higgs described going so long without a meaningful link to mass that he was convinced by members in the scientific community to sign up and post an ad titled “looking for a boson to justify billions of dollars worth of research”.

After spending decades searching for the right particle he found the Higgs Boson within days of uploading his profile on the matchmaking website.

Success story

Professor Rolf Heuer, director general at CERN said he was delighted the theoretical physicist had finally found a good subatomic particle to bring home.

The search began in 1964 and continued for the next 45 years in what Higgs describes as a barren spell so long he had begun to think no subatomic particle would be able to able to live up to his high standards for explining the mass in all matter in the universe.

He admitted to being skeptical of the website at first, but confessed to being “so busy lately” that it was the best option of finding the missing cornerstone of particle physics.

“Call me a romantic but I like to find my theorised particles the old fashion way,” confessed Higgs.  “But nowadays everyone’s into this online thing.”

“I remember a time when you would theorise about a particle then run standardised tests before you could even think about staying overnight to collide at high velocities to see if there was a spark, or at least a muon.”

‘Ticks all the boxes’

Higgs reported that within minutes of posting the ad, potential applicants began pouring in as quickly as the quantum spin of an electron in a hydrogen molecule.

“The first few were a mixed bag I must say,” described Higgs.  “Quarks, electrons and neutrinos just looking for a good time.  That sort of thing.”

“But I wanted more than just a one billionth of a second stand.”

“Then came the profile I was looking for.  It had all the right attributes. Smart, funny and weighing a healthy 125 gigaelectronvolts – just the way I like it.”

Despite the excitement however, Higgs was quick to add he would be taking it slow and duplicate the results in a controlled environment “just to be sure this was the real thing.”

“It’s just that I’ve been burnt before.”

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