Rick Santorum Ends Campaign To Spend More Time Fighting Social Progression

PENNSYLVANIA – Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has announced he is ending his bid for the White House to concentrate on fighting years of social progression.

Now unburdened by a lengthy campaign, he told supporters he would now dedicate his efforts “one hundred per cent” to reversing the trend of social progress back to the Dark Ages.

“I saw many things during this campaign I didn’t like,” said Mr Santorum. “For instance, did you know we have a black president?”

‘My true passion’

The former Pennsylvania Senator broke the news prior to denying immigrants were real people.

Despite trailing heavily in the delegate count, Mr Santorum previously insisted he would not pull out, a statement that confused many given pulling out was the only form of birth control Rick Santorum accepted.

Often pointed out for his controversial views, he said his campaign could be proud of the work they had done up to now in setting back a number of important social issues.

“We made the decision over the weekend that while this presidential race is over for me, my insistence that abortion is never ever an option has just begun.”

Santorum quit before a crucial primary in his home state, but defended his record as Pennsylvania Senator: “After my 12 year term Pennsylvanians thought the Earth was flat and all disease could be cured with a heavy dose of leeches.  None of this Obamacare garbage.”

Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich said Mr Santorum ran “a remarkable campaign,” adding that “his success was a testament to the nonexistent screening process in our political system.”

Gingrich later confirmed that he would not be dropping out of the race himself unless his campaign became sick and a younger, healthier and more attractive campaign was available.

No one left

Following Mr Santorum’s news conference, Mitt Romney expressed disappointment over the failure of his fellow Republicans to “at least try” to make it difficult for him.

Addressing the calibre of competition, the former Massachusetts Governor issued a statement saying: “I wanted to win, but not like this.”

In a revealing moment, Romney confessed he once considered turning up to a debate drunk to level the playing field, but Rick Perry beat him to it.

“Becoming president of the greatest country in the world would be an honor, but the way I’ve beaten these guys without trying is no fun,” Romney said.

“Yes I want to get the nomination, but this is just sad.”

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