GEORGIA – Republican presidential nominee Herman Cain has confirmed he will be suspending his campaign with immediate effect so he could spend more time “making families”.
Mr Cain said continued allegations of sexual impropriety were reminders he had neglected his domestic duties and will now switch his full attention back to creating families in all 50 states.
“Frankly I had forgot about these other women. There is just so much stuff twirling around in my head right now.”
Mr Cain told the stunned Atlanta crowd it was now time to focus on the more important things in life: “Keeping my extra marital affairs a secret.”
Multiple family man
The former Godfather’s Pizza CEO declared: “Herman Cain has taken the time to reassess and it is now clear that Herman Cain can no longer continue this campaign and creep with even half the women Herman Cain has been accused of seeing on the side.”
“That is why Herman Cain is stepping back from the race to focus on what Herman Cain needs to do and which white woman Herman Cain would like to do it with.”
The one-time GOP front-runner did confess that in hindsight, if he had spent more time with each partner “maybe they wouldn’t have felt the need to address me on national television – I should have thought of that before I ran for president.”
He asked the media to respect the privacy of his mistress and the individuals known as “Plaintiff X” who could not be named due to court order. He also insisted he had the full backing of “um…Clara? Sheryl? Gloria! That’s right. My wife.”
Baby making music
Although many fiscal conservatives expressed anger over the departure of Herman Cain, the creator of the “9-9-9” tax plan said he was within his rights as a citizen of a free country, “otherwise we may as well all pack up and move to Ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan.”
Political attention has now turned to who Cain would endorse in the coming days. Inside sources say the likelihood is he will put his support behind current front-runner Newt Gingrich as the only pro-adultery candidate still in the race.
Mr Cain attempted to end on a positive note by assuring is supporters that “I am not going to be silenced and I’m not going away,” before going on to quote the Pokemon movie a second time by adding: “Jiggly puff puff.”
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