PENNSYLVANIA – Penn State college has filed to reclassify itself as a Catholic Church in a bid to avoid further scrutiny following allegations of systematic child sex abuse.
The board of trustees agreed the best way to avoid further details of systematic child molestation was to convert the college football institution into a branch of the Catholic Church.
In an earlier briefing, a university spokesman made clear to Penn State employees “that from this moment, as far as we are concerned…nothing happened.”
‘What molestation?’
Though the Vatican are yet to give an official statement, sources within Rome are thought to have concerns over the addition of members that could only keep child abuse scandals secret for “a mere 15 years.”
Athletic director Tim Curley, who denied cover up charges, responded to the revelations unequivocally:
“This is a tragic situation and frankly we were disgusted to learn that such vile and monstrous practises had taken place in this very establishment for so long without a single decent person involved having the moral fortitude to step out and say something to stop such atrocities from being committed on the most trusting, vulnerable and innocent individuals in our society.”
However, when questioned the university’s new status, Curley appeared more forgiving: “Oh that? That’s all water under the bridge now. I can’t even remember who was raping who for over a decade.”
‘Dodged a bullet’
Former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky, who was arrested a week ago on 40 counts of child abuse, is said to be looking forward to the case against him being swept under the rug to begin his new role as assistant priest of Penn State college Pigskin Parish.
Former senior VP for finance and business, and current senior bishop for finance and business Gary Schultz outlined plans that will see existing school facilities re-purposed for the transition into religious institution.
“Now that we are a Catholic Church, we are going to restructure all equipment storage spaces into a range of confessional booths for other people to confess their sins to us.”
“The field will no longer be used for weekly football games but will facilitate weekly mass instead,” he continued.
“The changing room showers where Jerry Sandusky was found to be sexually abusing a 10-year-old boy. Those will remain unchanged.”
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