China To Bring Human Rights Violations Down To “Reasonable Levels”


BEIJING – After calling the current level of human rights violations shameful, China have vowed to bring the number of atrocities “down to acceptable levels.”

Addressing the international community, Chinese President Hu Jintao committed to seeing the recorded cases of torture and abuse suffered by dissidents at the hands of the government reduced by “at least 50% over the next four years.”

He is said to be saddened to learn that the number abuse cases caused by state officials was six times the acceptable limit and pledged to “tone it down.”

Improving standards

It’s also thought that lowering the current figures will help with administration as trying to hide evidence of that many violations is very hard work, according to the government.

President Hu acknowledged that a lot will need to be done in China to bring acts of human depravity in line with international standards.

Asked to justify China’s human rights record, Mr Hu conceded it was “pretty high, there’s no denying that.  We got carried away over the last few decades – sorry about that.”

“We’ve heard the feedback and will endeavour to reduce our figures to something much more palatable.”

The Chinese government is to issue guidelines to make it clear what constituted torture and what was simply enhanced disagreement.

China also agreed to outsource the bulk of it’s current abuse management to countries in the Middle East  in a model similar to that used in the west which could see a further 17% reduction in recorded cases year over year.

“We will let someone else carry out unspeakable treatment of prisoners on our behalf, so those numbers won’t count against us.”

‘We’re working on it’

Hu assured skeptics by also announcing a bi-annual report into the number of atrocities committed to demonstrate to the international community that they were serious about staying within what was known as the “green zone” of human suffering rates.

They warned however, that they could not bring the total to zero as there would always be a “natural level of government sponsored abuse that could not be avoided.”

Still, he remained optimistic about reach the stated target:

“We think a couple dozen abuse violations per officer per a month is reasonable for a country of our size.  At least that’s less people than watch Jersey Shore.”

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