WASHINGTON – In a bid to address the growing budget crisis, House Republicans are set to press forward with legislation that would see candy repealed from millions of babies across the United States.
The decision follows the passing of the $14.3 trillion debt ceiling and has spurred conservatives to look for ‘tough but justifiable’ fiscal measures to curb waste in the nation’s budget.
Aside from reversing Obamacare, the GOP have maintained that the US would not be able to get its house in order unless it first tackled the ‘very real’ problem of under three’s crawling around with millions of dollars worth of lollipops, candy canes and Jelly Babies paid for by the state.
Socialist confectionery
The “Taking Candy From Babies Act of 2011” proposed by members of the conservative Republican Study Committee, would reduce current spending for non-essential sugary treats to late 19th century levels “when Peanut brittle had just hit the streets and was a shiny nickel for all you could eat,” according to Senator John McCain.
Reaction was predictably harsh from toddlers, many of whom indicated they would brand House Speaker John Boehner a ‘poopyhead’ once they learned to talk.
“I love children as much as the next guy,” defended Boehner, “unless the next guy is Roman Polanski. The point is we cannot continue this out of control spending any longer.”
When asked about the possibility of also addressing the military budget, Boehner said taking candy from future generations was a heck of a lot easier, “and frankly more enjoyable.”
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor dismissed accusations of bullying and rejected the idea of physically taking candy from babies hands.
He clarified: “We not taking it ourselves, gosh no. We’ll get big kids to take it for us.”
Fiscal reality
A recent poll showed 90% of Republicans believed it to be best option that didn’t involve raising taxes for wealthy Americans – a move Cantor dismissed as an unfair and spiteful way to save money.
Speaking to a local kindergarten, Mr Cantor stressed the need for crying babies to stop being crybabies and accept the country was going through a tough time.
“Do you know how much this candy costs,” he said waving an over-sized lollipop. “We have to start thinking very seriously about our fiscal response in the face of a national debt crisis.”
Cantor continued by saying: “That means no more candy. The government is not made of money,” later adding: “ga ga, goo goo.”
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