Teen Shoplifter To Be Tried As Black Adult

FLORIDA – In a landmark ruling, a Jacksonville judge has sentenced 15-year old shoplifter Timothy Richards, to be tried for his crime as a 278 pound belligerent African-American.

The decision marks the first salvo of a local initiative to crack down on petit crime and judge John Westin has decreed that all young offenders will be treated as such in a bid to demonstrate a zero tolerance on criminal offenses.

“It’s actually more of a minus five tolerance,” corrected Westin.  “The sooner we start treating these young boys and girls as if they were black, they’ll soon realise that crime does not pay.”

Scared straight

The ruling will mean that Timothy – a honour student with a 3.7 grade point average – faces a minimum of 15 years in prison for stealing a bar of Hershey’s chocolate and two packs of Milk Duds from a local Walgreens.  He will be eligible for parole after seven years dependant on good behaviour.

Timothy Richards will be referred to as ‘Tyrone’ in all official court papers, and could face additional charges of aggravated assault, possession of illegal firearm and six counts of assumed illegal substance use and distribution as soon as the“relevant evidence had been planted.”

He will stand stand before a jury of his peers who have all been instructed to assume a history of prior misdemeanours.

The judge has also informed the 12 jury members to watch Deebo from the movie Friday to get a “grasp of what the defendant could be capable of should he be allowed to walk.”

Guilty until proven innocent

Shocked at the severity of the court ruling, the defendants parents have already begun an appeal to see their son’s sentence be reduced to be seen as a famous black law breaker, or at best be tried as an attractive white lady.

Timothy’s father said: “I’m all for setting kids on the straight and narrow, but my God…no one deserves to be treated like a black guy in the criminal justice system…it was just some candy.”

Despite later returning the candy in question, Judge Westin confirmed the court hearing would go ahead and was confident  the precedent set by the case would “make anyone stop dead in their tracks before even thinking about offending in my district.”

He also warned that any ‘frivolous’ appeals could see Timothy’s sentence increased to being tried as if he were OJ Simpson himself.

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