Police Protesters Slammed For ‘Excessive’ Force Used On Themselves

LONDON – The anti-spending cuts demonstration took an ugly turn after widespread reports of police offers using ‘excessive levels of force’ on themselves as they sought to keep their protests under control.

The Metropolitan Police have admitted to receiving an ‘alarming’ number of complaints following the self-inflicted violence that marred the protests in London on Saturday.

It emerged that every officer at the march put in a complaint against himself for using what was deemed to be heavy-handed crowd control tactics.  Those with the largest weapons complained the loudest as they wasted no time physically beating themselves back for publicly demonstrating anger over planned cuts to public spending.

Alfred Fernandes, a 15 year veteran, described how he over-reacted to his part in the largely peaceful event by tasering himself as he tried to maintain order in the face of what he deemed to be his ‘threatening actions’.

Chaos in the streets

Indeed, many officers were left shocked at the extreme lengths they went to keep order among themselves.

There were even numerous reports of self intimidation, with one officer revealing how he stood in front of his mirror before leaving and threatened to ‘smash in my skull’ in if he even thought of joining the calls for the government put and end to debilitating cuts.

Marion Walters, 57, a tourist from Yeovil said it begged belief how the police felt it appropriate to go at themselves with such brute force.  “There are so many tourists here. What are they going to think?’”

The disturbing scenes sparked fierce calls for an enquiry into how members of the Metropolitan police would adequately protect themselves against themselves in the event of further demonstrations.

Scotland Yard commander Bob Broadhurst believed the first step would be to make sure all officers involved had a stern talk with themselves.

Gross misconduct

Broadhurst empathised with police who were victims of self-abuse, defending their right to protest un-self-molested as complaints continued to pour in.

“Never been treated so poorly!” blasted Constable Craig Marshall, one of the first to file an official complaint after placing himself in handcuffs for ‘no good reason’.

“I came out of nowhere,”  Marshall accused before adding: “when I laid hands on me I knew I had gone too far.  What gives me the right to manhandle myself like that?!”

He later defended his actions however,  insisting that he looked like a potential danger and was “pretty sure I had it coming.”

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