ENGLAND – WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange warns he has set up a system of Rube Goldberg machines configured to release a flood of highly damaging secret documents should anything happen to him or WikiLeaks. He said each machine in the ‘poison pill’ option was more devilishly overly engineered than the last.
His lawyer Mark Stephens added that any release mechanism will only be released in the event that his client was assassinated, detained, or felt like making one heck of a YouTube video.
Thermo-nuclear option
The effort required to build such contraptions forced them to temporarily scale back their cable operations over Christmas, while they watched OK Go videos and re-runs of Wallace and Gromit.
This network has been able to determine the existence at least three Rube Goldberg machines to control the release of the secret files, an additional two to protect the first three, and one to make him breakfast in the mornings.
In an effort to gain access to the files, governments were scrambling to understand the complex mechanisms the WikiLeaks frontman believes is securing his survival, but FBI officials admitted “the best we could do was make a line of dominoes fall and knock over this Barbie doll.”
Security through obscurity
Assange was so confident that he felt secure enough to explain one of the machines to reporters.
“My vitals are being monitored by a device connected to a wireless transmitter,” he explained. “Should my heart rate drop to zero for any reason, it will initiate the forward momentum of a line of medicine balls positioned to knock a brick into a bucket of water. The resulting overspill will cover a nearby chemical compound, setting off a complex set of reactions that would result in a controlled flame to begin burning on a hot air balloon.”
Not finished, the founder went on to say that “attached to the rising balloon is a large piece of glass cut and tuned to focus sunlight at the precise angle required to burn a rope 100 yards away holding an anvil positioned to drop on a large red button that will release a mechanical bunny to be chased by a greyhound who will trip a wire pulling open a cage of carrier pigeons each with a message attached and trained to fly back to our headquarters and tell someone to log on to a machine and double-click to release the files I have on everyone…It’s really quite ingenious.”
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