NORTH POLE – The secret lists of naughty and nice children around the world, described as ‘vital to operations’ by Santa’s little helpers, has been released in a fresh WikiLeaks dump.
In addition to the disposition of every child in the world, the leak purportedly exposes ‘decades of widespread corruption’ surrounding the formation of the Naughty and Nice lists.
Details included instances of Santa Claus reportedly accepting payments up to $1000 per child for placement on the Nice list in efforts to secure top billing when presents are distributed on Christmas Eve.
Rampant corruption
The massive dump highlights numerous instances of racial profiling who is placed onto the Naughty list, and perhaps most damaging are the sections that show Santa instructing his helpers to collect DNA samples and other personal information about children on the list, though for what purpose is yet to be ascertained.
Security analyst Kadeem Abbas, an American born Muslim once stuck on the naughty list for five years straight, says this is probably the most controversial document yet from the WikiLeaks organisation.
“The level of corruption is outrageous to say the least,” said Mr Abbas who felt the site has effectively ruined Christmas by exposing the inner workings of the Naughty and Nice list.
“Nobody wants to know how the sausage is made, but here it is. I always suspected there was something wrong [with the Naughty and Nice list], I just didn’t know it went this deep.”
‘Ruining it for everybody’
A spokesman for Santa’s workshop said this morning: “We unequivocally condemn the unauthorised release of classified information.”
Speaking on the allegations of corruption, the elf added: “The idea that Santa Claus would take bribes for placement on one list or another is wholly reprehensible. Especially bribes of such low valuations.”
Joining mounting criticism, former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin described founder Julian Assange as “an anti-Christmas operative with blood on his hands” and called for him to be hunted down like a Taliban leader, or that Aunt who gives you socks every year.
WikiLeaks say they will continue to release documents despite continued threats from disgruntled politicians and elves alike.
Speaking from an undisclosed location, Mr Assange stated that should anything happen to him it would trigger the release of an encrypted ‘insurance document’ thought to include more damaging material involving Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.
What’s the web adress of the Naughty/nice list?
naughtyandnice.com? Actually…don’t type that, it’s probably something else.
The world need more people like Julian Assange, to clean up from the trash from this planet