Ronald McDonald To Run For California Governor


CALIFORNIA – Ronald McDonald has announced his shock entry into the 2010 California gubernatorial elections in an astonishing bid to become California’s next Governor. The fast food mascot cut short a children’s birthday party to make the announcement in front of the assembled children and their parents.  He claimed his decision to run for public office came as a result of feeling disillusioned with the current state of politics. “The Terminator has failed us.  California is a mess and we need someone serious about securing stability for future generations.  Vote McDonald” was the message from a jubilant clown before gathering to sing Happy Birthday to a confused eight year old Sarah Lewis. Concerns over the precedent set by a candidate with such heavy corporate ties were dismissed by McDonald’s press secretary Grimace, who insists the corporation has ‘only good intentions’ for the people of California. Having never held an elected office, McDonald will likely employ Mayor McCheese, The Mayor of McDonaldland as advisor.  The hamburger head’s experience in winning over public opinion in a land full of fantasy characters could prove crucial in gaining the support of California voters. Rumors are also abound that McDonald will take on the Hamburglar as campaign strategist, despite the troubled history the two share.

Our Correspondent sat down with Ronald McDonald to discuss his controversial move.

[US Correspondent] Ronald, glad to have you here. I’ve been a fan since I was a kid.

[Ronald] Super! I pride myself on satisfying a child’s appetite.  For food.

[US Correspondent] The suit is a good look.

[Ronald] Well, politics is a different game than selling hamburgers to young children.

[US Correspondent] How do you explain the move? It has many people confused.

[Ronald] I can imagine. I’ll bet their are saying: ‘what’s that clown doing in politics?’

[US Correspondent] Right.

[Ronald] The answer is simple. This clown loves America!

[US Correspondent] Many are saying your bid for Governor represents a growing conflict of interest that could subvert the role of the legislative branch away from the people to corporations with the largest wallet.

[Ronald] Complete nonsense. We’re as American as the apple pie we sell at two for a dollar, good for this week only.

[US Correspondent] Why are you running for the Happy Meal party instead of Republican or Democrat?

[Ronald] Because this country has seen enough petty partisanship. We must put that aside and concentrate on what’s really important, maximising shareholder value.

[US Correspondent] Sorry?

[Ronald] I meant people. Maximising people value. Hey, did you know 38% of Californians have to drive 30 miles or more to get to one of our restaurants?

[US Correspondent] I wasn’t aware.

[Ronald] Well it’s a travesty Josh and if elected I will fight to give every man, woman and child in the state improved access to our range of beef, chicken and fish menu items!

[US Correspondent] You’d build more restaurants?

[Ronald] Yes.

[US Correspondent] What about…non-food issues? Like California’s economic crisis?

[Ronald] We’re broke.  There’s no hiding from that.  But, we can still get money in people’s pockets to spend on any meal they wish. No one has to go without a Big Mac.

[US Correspondent] So…you’re for tax cuts?

California education system
[Ronald] Even simpler.  A new currency redeemable at selected restaurants for a meal of your choosing.  Drink sold separately.

[US Correspondent] Where do you stand on education?

[Ronald] We’re failing our children Josh, we really are. If elected, I’ll make free in-school training available to ensure young people are prepared for an increasingly competitive jobs market.

[US Correspondent] What kind of training?

[Ronald] You know. Taking orders, cleaning unexpected spills…food preparation.

[US Correspondent] Flipping burgers?

[Ronald] We don’t actually flip the burgers anymore.  They’re microwaved, so you just push a button.  The point is, our education system isn’t even up to this standard and we need to fix that.

[US Correspondent] How about illegal immigration.  Would you look to crack down like Arizona?

[Ronald] No way. Without immigration this country wouldn’t be the great nation it is. Ha ha, I’m loving it.

[US Correspondent] You’ve been criticised for keeping wages low. If in office, would you ever look to raise the minimum?

[Ronald] Then it would be the minimum. By keeping wages down we can keep the cost of our burgers and fries down, and everybody loves the cost of our burgers fries almost as much as the taste.

[US Correspondent] I’m not sure that makes sense.

[Ronald] You know what does make sense Josh? A Big ‘N Tasty meal. Only $3.99 with a large shake while stocks last.

[US Correspondent] I’ll check that out. How do you feel about the threat of terrorism today?

[Ronald] It’s no coincidence that hubs of terror are located where there is no established franchise. More restaurants in the Islamic world would solve that.

[US Correspondent] I thinking more about our foreign policies in those regions as a problem.

[Ronald] Is that what Fox News tells you?  It’s simply not true. Everyone loves the taste of our hamburgers. Everyone.

[US Correspondent] Looking to more domestic affairs, there’s been much focus on your campaign team.

[Ronald] Yes?

[US Correspondent] Specifically the Hamburgler. He’s alleged to have stolen a thousand burgers in the past four months alone.

[Ronald] I’m aware of his transgressions!

[US Correspondent] It’s a surprise he’s on your team at all.  The two of you have had your differences in the past–

[Ronald] This is now! We’re over that. He knows what he did was wrong and he’s getting help for his addiction. He’ll be back in time for November.

[US Correspondent] OK then. Switching topics, I–

[Ronald] Actually Josh, let me bring it back for a moment…The Hambugler is one of the finest campaign strategists and Americans you will ever see. Yes, he fell off the wagon a few times but no one’s perfect and I have absolute faith in him and will not let the media tarnish the good work he has done.

Burger King smear campaign
[US Correspondent] Point taken. Um, the Burger King has said it would be a ‘cold day in hell’ should you win office and has made some disparaging comments in his TV ads.

[Ronald] The voters won’t be fooled so easily. The Burger King is just mad nobody wants to eat his crappy burgers anymore.

[US Correspondent] You’re not worried his allegations could be taken seriously?

[Ronald] The man wears a crown for God sake. No.  If there’s nothing else…

[US Correspondent] Oh, you have another appointment?

[Ronald] A birthday appearance at four, yes.

[US Correspondent] We can wrap it up then.  Ronald, thank you for joining me and good luck.

[Ronald] It’s been my pleasure. Have a Happy Meal.

[US Correspondent] Thanks.

[Ronald] And when you go to the polls in November, remember to vote for the clown in the suit.

[US Correspondent] I will.

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