Somali Pirates Hijack Unsuspecting Humpback Whale

MOGADISHU, SOMALIA – Somali pirates continue to escalate naval security fears after hijacking a humpback whale off the coast of East Africa, holding it for ransom from Japanese whalers. The target represents a departure from oil tankers and rich white people they usually prey on, suggesting a move to diversify their ransom portfolio. “If they want the whale meat, they come to us now” said Ali al Ibrahim over live internet stream while tucking into a filet of whale steak served with potatoes and baby carrots.

The fifty foot creature was carrying a fresh batch of krill from feeding grounds in the Arabian Sea when set upon by pirates, fending off barnacles to take control in under three minutes. Observers say the whale never saw the attack coming due to it’s restricted viewing angle, 5mph top speed and lack of on board armory.

Though this is the first confirmed instance of whale hjack, unverified reports indicate the same group may already be holding up to six humpback and blue whales in the pirate hub bay of Eyl.

“They’re becoming much bolder now” a marine biologist told ML News. “This was a blatant attack on an unarmed sea mammal. If this continues, no whale will be able to float aimlessly without Somali harassment”.

The Japanese government categorically condemned the increase in whale hijackings and refuse to be held to ransom of any sort, no matter how tasty the whale meat may be. “Give back our whales so we can gut them for science…or just send us the meat,  packaged and seasoned.  We’re not particular” Prime Minister Naoto Kan told reporters.

Despite Japanese backlash, whale hijackings look set to continue as the meat contained inside each whale is now more lucrative than oil now that BP are giving it away for free.

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