LONDON, UK – Gordon Brown has taken the unexpected move to enlist Marcus Reid, a decorated Bloods gang member, to his campaign in a move to revitalise fading re-election hopes. Called the ‘secret weapon’ in Labour’s election strategy, Mr Reid brings a wealth of knowledge in combating rival organisations for territorial dominance. Mr Reid’s record includes armed robbery, felony assault, witness tampering and shootings with rival gang members. It’s this experience that Gordon Brown feels could prove crucial in tipping the balance Labour’s way for the General Election. “Mr Reid is an expert in the field of real party politics, the facts speak for themselves” explained Mr Brown during a talk on family values. “From now until Thursday we have got to campaign like we have never campaigned before, Marcus and his associates will be a major part of that.” Political observers have criticised Mr Brown for using fear to gain votes, labelling the move as ‘desperate, dangerous and a risk to human life’. Both Conservatives and Liberal Democrats are said to be in negotiations with Crip and Mexican gang members since seeing Labour jump 8% in opinion polls, only 18 hours after Mr Reid was let loose on voters.
I spoke to Mr Reid to discuss the Labour Party’s new campaign strategy.
[UK Correspondent] Thank you for joining us Marcus, or…’Joker’ it says here?
[UK Correspondent] Because of your infectious humor?
[Joker] Nah, I cut a snitch across the mouth once…
[UK Correspondent] Oh, that Joker. So…How did your move into politics come about?
[Joker] Man I don’t really know nothing ’bout politics, but I know ’bout red and blue! Me and Brown want the same thing.
[UK Correspondent] To avoid a dreaded hung parliament and secure power by way of majority vote?
[Joker] …Yeah yeah. That. And to wipe out anybody wearing that blue, clean the streets you know.
[UK Correspondent] What about the Mexicans?
[Joker] What?! They here?!
[UK Correspondent] No no, calm down. I was just saying, Liberal Democrats have recruited Mexican gang members to counteract your efforts?
[Joker] Oh…man them Mexicans aint no threat. Damn immigrants can’t shoot straight for nothin’.
[Joker] It’s simple, me and and the homies drive round and roll up on a victim–err, voter. Then we just get up in they face.
[UK Correspondent] Up in people’s face?
[Joker] Yeah, you know. Give them the option. Vote or die.
[UK Correspondent] Oh, the campaign slogan used in 2004 US Presidential election?
[Joker] Uh, yeah sure.
[UK Correspondent] Should Labour pull off a victory this week, do you think they can govern post recession Britain ?
[Joker] I don’t really know bout that man.
[UK Correspondent] Do you think they can tackle the budget deficit without damaging the social economic standing of future generations?
[Joker] Man I told you, I don’t know the situation he–Yo hold up son, I gotta take this. Hello?
[UK Correspondent] …
[Joker] Yeah…I’m busy…what?….Mexicans?…Did what?…laying in the street?…NO!…I coming now son, we gon’ ride on them tonight!
[UK Correspondent] Woah, what the–Is that a gun?!
[Joker] Man, shudup! Mexicans just smoked my homie!
[UK Correspondent] But we still have an interview to do. Where are you going?
[Joker] To spill blood fool! I’m out!
[UK Correspondent] And there here goes…Just like a politician to find a way to avoid tough questions.