Mostly Legitimate Guide: Swine Flu Vaccine

Swine flu has continued to ravage the world since it’s outbreak from Mexico , striking down healthy individuals with the kind of symptoms that would stop healthy people dead in their tracks to reach into their pockets for a tissue and blow their nose.  Then throw away the tissue.  Alarming.  Governments across the globe have begun rolling out the sorely needed vaccine to the people that need them most; everyone.  Doubts remain among an uninformed few that insist the vaccine is either unsafe or unnecessary.  This kind of  scaremongering only serves to mask the tremendous altruistic effort pharmaceutical companies have made in getting a vaccine fast tracked past the usual bureaucracy of proper testing to bring us protection against the biggest ever threat to humanity.  ML News has taken time to get an expert view and dispel concerns over the vaccination program.

I spoke to Dr Caroline Russell from a Swine Flu research lab in New Mexico.

[Health Correspondent] Good evening Dr Russell.  We’re glad to have you here.

[Dr Russell] I’m happy to be here…though I’m not actually a doctor.  You can call me Caroline.

[Health Correspondent] Oh…so…you’re not a swine flu expert?

[Caroline] Oh I am.  I’m just not qualified to practise medicine.

[Health Correspondent] Don’t worry, neither am I.  Now Caroline, as a Swine Flu expert, remind us of the huge threat this rampant virus poses to human life.

[Caroline] Well, like you say, this is a rampant virus and poses a massive threat to human life.

[Health Correspondent] Just as I thought. Is it still wise to shun Mexicans as a preventative measure?

[Caroline] I’m afraid we’re past the stage of ostracising Mexicans.  This is now a serious threat to real people and vaccination is the only option.

[Health Correspondent] OK.  So I can call Miguel and have him start work on my yard?

[Caroline] Absolutely.  But make sure he’s been vaccinated.  Everyone should be looking to get the vaccine.  We could be looking at a billion deaths a day if this isn’t tackled.

[Health Correspondent] Where are you getting this data from?

[Caroline] None of that, just a series of simple questions.  Have you had a runny nose in recent weeks?[Health Correspondent] No.

[Caroline] What about muscle pains?[Health Correspondent] Nope.

[Caroline]  Err…Fever?  Chills? Stomach upset?  Diarrhoea? Sneezing?

[Health Correspondent] No.  No.  No. Maybe and…no.

[Caroline] Maybe?  I’m afraid you’re showing signs of Swine Flu.  You’ll need to get the vaccine.

[Health Correspondent] I thought I was fine but…I’m not so sure now.  What about the concerns over the testing of the—

[Caroline] That’s ridiculous, of course it’s been tested.  This isn’t some campaign fuelled by pharmaceutical companies to sell profitable vaccine to a fearful population in efforts to make a quick buck.

[Health Correspondent] I wasn’t going to mention th–

[Caroline] Well it’s not, OK? This has been tested on at least…300 homeless people and their strays.

Swine Flu Trials Successful

[Health Correspondent] What were the results?

[Caroline] There were some negative feedback, but those people will complain about anything.  The important thing is proper due diligence has been take to provide a safe vaccine.

[Health Correspondent] So there are no risks?

[Health Correspondent] I’ve heard reports that nerve damage could be a slight possibility, as was the case in the 1972 vaccination?

[Caroline] ’72!? I wasn’t even born then, it’s not relevant.  This isn’t a profiteering exercise you know.

[Health Correspondent] You already mentioned that.  What about the nerve damage?

[Caroline] What about it?

[Health Correspondent] Can you comment?

[Caroline] Probably some crazy internet rumour.

[Health Correspondent] It does sound crazy.  It’s has been thoroughly tested as you’ve stated.  You will be getting the vaccine then?

[Caroline] I already have.  It’s a safe a painless process that hardly leaves a mark.  See?

[Health Correspondent] …There are a few marks there.  Are multiple does required?

[Health Correspondent] Are there any side effects people should be aware of?

[Caroline] Did I mention this isn’t a profiteering campaign?

[Health Correspondent] A couple times.

[Caroline] Then I think it’s also important to remember how crucial this vaccine is.  I don’t think it’s a stretch to say not being vaccinated is the same as hugging death.

[Health Correspondent] Duly noted.  I think we’ve put many fears to rest today, thank you for your time.

[Caroline] Happy to help.